Praise God!

For my last four day break I went to Iowa with Jack and Jim and had an incredible time. We were able to spend time and encourage fellow believers, pray for those the Lord lead us to pray for and we spent time with the Marr's (Augie's family) and Johnson's. These families have taught me so much and it was such a blessing to spend time with them. Then we drove to have lunch with my cousins and their sons, and then to Wildwood Hills Ranch where I showed the guys around. After Ranch we drove to my grandparents and spend the rest of our time with them absorbing as much as we could. Watching other people appreciate my grandparents reignited the love and appreciation I have for them and it all has started making me realize how incredibly blessed I am by the people God has surrounded me with. 


All of this made returning to work at Rawhide difficult. It's not that I don't love my job- I do- but in Ames and Durant it's easy to be loved and love. I generally don't feel opposition about anything. But God didn't call me to comfort and ease, He called me to Rawhide.


These feelings lead to a stinky-stuck-in-a-rut attitude for most of my morning. Fortunately I didn't work much with the guys and my feelings weren't infiltrating their moods but I knew I wasn't glorifying God with mine. Around noon the Lord convicted me to go to prayer with other RI's so I did. Normally prayer has turned into me and Jack but this morning there was four of us there to pray and it was anointed! God used that time to show me to take the focus off of myself and return it rightfully back to Him. Shortly after prayer I worked with the guys in my house and God guided and blessed the conversations- I was able to be used to answer questions about God's righteousness that THREE of our guys had. I was able to be used to encourage one of our guys that is a believer but has been struggling. He was so encouraged he was near tears- it was absolutely incredible to watch God work...and all to think that I could have chosen to be in a stinky mood. 


Praise God His work isn't dependent on my moods. 

Answered Prayers

Ever have one of those moments where you realize that God has answered a prayer that you've been praying for a really long time? And then realizing that you REALLY didn't want it answered? That's how I've been feeling for the past 3 hours.

In the past, when fellow-believers would talk to me about having an aching heart for the unbelievers, I just couldn't 'get' it. I wanted to have that heart, I wanted to ache to spread the Kingdom and to feel compassion for those who don't believe. However, I think that in my selfish heart, I wanted my heart to ache for those that were far away, in another country....not my brother. Not my best friends.

All day today Charlie has been on my mind. I'm not calling him Chuck because I simply don't like Chuck, the one that is mean and angry, I like Charlie, the little boy who I called one of my best friends when I was little. My mental pictures of him were rolling all day with a few videoclips in between and my heart aches. My heart cries when I think of my brother. Then at Salt Company we were singing songs about how Jesus is our Savior, our Redeemer and other amazing songs and all I could think was that Charlie can't sing those with the joy that I can. He can't sing those with peace and rejoicing and feeling complete because he is choosing to walk away. Then I thought of Valerie and Josh and a lot of people back home and the ripples just continued. I don't know how to go about dealing with this.......the selfish part of me wants to plead with God to take this feeling back. To unhear my prayers and cover up this ache for me.

Two days in one

I'm already a day behind...shoot. This is a reflection of what my prayer life looks like, not something I confess easily. That's a huge conviction of mine and a big goal...to have a more consistent prayer-life.

Yesterday, I decided to take the day off from pretty much everything. I was feeling WAY burnt out. I was able to make breakfast- oatmeal with frozen fruit in it- and eat it slowly. This is something simple, but I haven't really been allowing myself the simple things. Then I watched a weekend message from Cornerstone and went to Milo for quiet time by the fire. I read the small prophet books and it really showed me the power and fierceness of God. I have been making Him a fuzzy puppy, but reading about the wrath He is capable of has given me even more appreciation for Jesus. The grace that God has given me is so unbelievable! Then I was able to have a conversation with the guy I have been crushing on and the Holy Spirit revealed that I'm wasting my mind energy. I'm pretty sure this is from the retreat and Paul Sabino but I heard the analogy that Jesus is leading us up a mountain and although it's difficult we need to have faith in Jesus and trust Him. But, because we are weak humans, we lose some faith and trust and complain and get discontent and thirsty. So then we drink and play in dirty trashy puddles, while Jesus is telling us that He has clear, beautiful mountain water at the top. I realized that my past relationships and this crush are just gross, trashy puddles and Jesus desires more for me. I'm most certain that I will jump into some other muddy puddle of sorts but for now, when dealing with boy relationships, I'm going to look forward for the beautiful clear water Jesus has for me.

JUST found out- I got 50 out of 50 on my final paper for women's studies- this class was the only thing between me and graduation, and I'm pretty sure this means that I passed it. Yeah!!

Today was mostly routine, hung out with Augie, had a great time loving on him and making him goofy. Then I went to dinner with a friend who I have looked up to since I met her. She told me about a specific sin she has fallen to and it pretty much resembled my relationship with Josh and Elliot. I was so glad that I could be there to listen and also tell her my experiences and that she needed to walk away from that relationship. To be obedient to God and not be unequally yoked...I can't believe how much God has worked in my heart to get me to that point. Where I can distinctly see that sin is sin and not accept excuses that I may have given in the past. I'm by no means perfect but it's awesome to know that God is using me and my experiences!

No picture for today......but I'll give a mental one: right now I'm wearing a blue snuggie and watching Twilight with my roommates.

Angry

I am angry with Satan. I don't think I've ever really felt anger towards him, I've just always known that he was bad. But today I'm angry- I realized that my mood and apathy and regret last night were straight from him. I was feeling so confident in Jesus and who I am in His eyes, and focusing on what Paul Sabino said- that God is excited to pursue me EVERY DAY! Every minute, God wants to love and pursue me. And then all of a sudden I'm doubting and being angry. This morning I realized that this was straight from Satan- he doesn't want me to get close to God so he targeted my weaknesses. And that makes me angry. Stupid Satan.

Speaking of stupid Satan (SS), The Holy Spirit has really been showing me what chains I've put on myself with the help of SS. I've put chains on what I am allowed to wear, what looks okay with me, chains on what I deserve or shouldn't have or do- like take a nice long hot shower every once in a while. It's been difficult....dealing with self-doubt and esteem issues is no fun but I'm breaking chains. I'm wearing jeggings and skinny jeans and trying to feel confident in them. I like how they look on other people- so why can't I wear them? I can!

So SS, you listen here. Jesus is breaking the chain.

Blagh.

The reason for the no-picture-Friday was because my computer crashed. Big Boo. So today will have two. Tomorrow will have better explanations.

Friday's picture:

Saturday was Augie's birthday, so on Friday he helped make his cupcakes...however since he coughed and sneezed and stuck his fingers in all of them, they were thrown away.

Saturday's picture:

This is kind of a reflection of my mood and mindset lately thinking about graduation and the feeling of lack of true friends. I want friends that I can laugh with AND have talks about my spiritual walk who will hold me accountable...right now I feel like I have one or the other.

All Glory to God

I went to Wildwood tonight for a volunteer appreciation dinner and the entire way there and back I couldn't stop thinking about all that God has divinely lined up for me in my life. I can't even begin to put my awe into words, and the two times that I've tried I've just ended up rambling and screaming (out of excitement.) It's kind of frustrating that I can't share this feeling with others, but I'm also thinking it's pretty sweet that God and I get to have this moment together.

Tomorrow, at 2:30, I have part two of my interview process with Rawhide. Oh boy. This is all happening so quickly! Probably a good thing- God knows I get ulcers.

All of this caffeine and God-excitement is making it even MORE difficult to write my paper for feminist class that I haven't really done much for the entire semester anyway. Poop.

Picture for the day:

Obviously it's not from today, it's from a Wildwood Bounce back I went to in Dec. but this ranch has shaped me so much that I feel it's appropriate.

P.S. If you're reading this (and probably unfortunately being in my head along with me) please find time for us to hang out. I'm feeling disconnected from people.

Excitement!!

Today I had my phone interview with Rawhide, step 1 of 3 of the application process. They seem to have a really good vibe about me, and even slipped up in accidentally calling me a staff, rather than a candidate (!!!!) So now that I've sent in the 14 pages of paperwork I had to fill out, (and learned how to use a fax machine in the process) I will now have a conference call with ALL of the board members for another interview. That part is a little more intimidating, but today I felt very prepared (by God's glory only) and spoke without thinking (also God's glory that I didn't destroy it.) I simply feel confident that God has prepared me so well for this position and I'm so excited to be a part of what Rawhide does.

I've always realized recently that I need to do better at being relational and staying in touch with people that are important to me. I know that my schedule is crazy but I can't be selfish....I need to be able to have the ability to balance work and friends because without my friends I don't have that fellowship to help me grow. I'm becoming rather secluded to the people I work with, which include Steve from CASA and a two year old. But how much sleep do I sacrifice? Or what else do I need to sacrifice that I'm just using to fill time that I could be using engaging with people? Something for me to ponder on for sure.

Today's picture:

The sunset that I saw driving home from CASA. After a slightly long day, I was driving home and saw this amazingness. The reality was more pink than the color shows but I had to drive all the way to the end of town onto a gravel road, but it was a great end to a day filled with joy and God's glory. I'm definitely learning that the more I open my eyes to God and the more I delve into His word the more He's exposing Himself to me- excitement just seems to be overflowing in my heart all the time!

Beautiful Tuesday

Tuesday's are pretty much my favorite day of this semester. I work with Augie from 8-5 and then the rest of the night is mine! I try to spend it relaxing, cooking or catching up on errands, but I mostly try to cut off communication from the world. This is the first time in my collegiate career that I've intentionally set apart an evening for rest and myself- it's a pretty big deal.

Today, it was about 50 degrees and there's no snow, so Augie and I went to Ledges State Park and he loved it! He loves to be outdoors and is such a sponge of information, it's so cool to watch him experience things for the first time. It makes me excited to be a mom and have these moments over and over again (in the future!) We spent almost two hours walking, running, crunching leaves and snow, and throwing sticks and rocks in the water and watching them rush away. He was astonished by all of this and it makes me realize how much we take for granted- all of this is God's beautiful creation- we should constantly be awed! The picture of the day of course comes from my time with Augie:

I caught him mid-throw of a rock

Okay...I couldn't put just one! Here he's in simple awe of the combination of water and ice creating a 'tunnel' for the sticks to go under

Last night at our Beth study she was talking about when Jesus spoke to the disciples He took them up to the mountain, He brought them to a different place than their surroundings. When Jesus showed some of his divinity with Moses and Elijah (Luke 9) Peter desperately wanted to make a shelter on the mountain and stay there, it was perfect and comfortable! But Jesus (and a cloud of God) said that that's not enough, that they needed to return to the valley. I almost had to laugh when she said that because I realized that Ames has been my mountain. Overall, things are comfortable and God has shown and taught me more than I could imagine and of course I want to stay here, but I need to return to the valley of Clintonville and bring all that He's equipped me with where it's needed.

The past few weeks have just been so incredibly exciting because I feel that it has been drenched in God's glory.....now I need to work on letting that overflow in my interactions with others. I definitely struggle with confidence in evangelism (ugh. stupid struggles.)

Until tomorrow, happy Tuesday!

Puzzle Pieces

So many things in my head all at once that I can't even take it. So we're going to break it down piece by piece, and it will most likely be incredibly scattered.

Piece #1

I was able to talk with Rawhide a couple of days ago and have an official phone interview THIS Weds at 1:00. Oh boy. I'm hoping to not screw it up, I have been praying like crazy that God void me of myself and speak through me.

Piece # 1.5

On Friday, the same day I spoke with Rawhide, I found out that Brandon (abusive ex-boyfriend from high school) got married at a court house and his now wife is pregnant. According to him, and I'm sure she isn't aware of this, but he figures it would be cheaper to marry her than to pay child support. After reflecting on this I've realized how much God has saved me and changed my life and the importance of being obedient to God. My first real and intentional step of obedience to God was listening and coming to ISU. If I hadn't made that move, I probably wouldn't have gotten out of that relationship when I did, and I have no idea where my life would be. God has given me so many opportunities to be obedient (many that I have passed up ashamedly) but the ones I have taken have brought me to this incredible place!

• I listened and went to Salt Company- was able to identify my relationship as abuse and that God doesn't want me to be treated that way.
• While at Salt Company, I learned about Wildwood Hills Ranch
• Listened and went to Wildwood. Turns out that Wildwood is modeled after Rawhide.
• Had my heart drastically changed for the wounded and hurting children that I believe Jesus weeps over.
• Listened to God's beckoning my heart to check out Rawhide. Although I didn't want to return to WI, I told God okay.
• Toured Rawhide, still with an extremely hesitant and barely willing heart.
• With bitterness, I accepted not getting the internship to work for the Buddenhagen's and instead being with CASA- which has so far taught me about court and those processes that will be helpful at Rawhide.
• Deciding to nanny for $5 rather than pick up hours at the hotel for $8. God has given me so much joy and balance with my nannying position and I would have most likely fallen into a pit being at the hotel that many days a week.
• Listened to God and checked out the church down the road, and I felt like I fit in.

There are so many things that I feel God has divinely lined up for me to be in a place like Rawhide and learn so much. I am trying to remember that I am not entitled to anything and all that God gives me is a gift, but I really want this job. My heart aches and longs for it.

Piece #2

There's this guy that I have had a crush on from a distance since my freshman year of college. It wasn't until last semester that I actually spoke to him, and now this semester we've had random and unintentional chances to hang out and talk. I don't know how to handle this crush because it has no foundation or depth and I don't like how it consumes so many of my thoughts. While having my quiet time I read Proverbs 28:19 which says "he who works his land will have abundant food but the one who chases fantasies will have his fill of poverty." With this crush I'm just chasing fantasy, I want to be focused on my relationship with Jesus and deepening that!! I have the knowledge that I should surrender this pseudo-relationship with this guy to God but I feel like I'm surrendering my thoughts every second because I can't not think about this guy!

Piece #3

This past weekend I kind of got accidentally drunk. I say kind of because I'm the one that poured the drink, however I drank it much faster than planned, thus becoming drunk. This isn't a lifestyle that I want to have- it's my way of avoiding my feelings and I'm not trusting God in those moments. I woke up the next morning thinking about the story of Noah being passed out drunk and naked. I felt so ashamed with myself. I need to confess it to someone, but don't want to. That's the stinky part of confessing, it's no fun. But that's the point, and that's what shame is.

Proverbs 28:13- "He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy"

Piece #4

My best friend Josh and I ended an 8 year long friendship. He and I have been through a lot together, and he's the first person I wanted to call when I found out about Brandon because he was the only friend from home that was involved in my life and really helped me break free. After the break up with Brandon, Josh and I went down a sinful path that I am now ashamed of but he's just always been a comfort having been through 8 years of my life. However, with my work with CASA, I realized that the only difference between a lot of the cases we're serving and Josh and his daughter is that the cases we serve have gotten caught. He has this beautiful daughter and he's addicted to drugs, alcohol and sex. Her mother (not together with Josh) is also addicted to these things. It breaks my heart to think of this little girl and the poor role models she has, and once I put these things together I realized that I couldn't stand by and watch this happen, and there is nothing that I can personally do to change the situation. So I had to walk away. I know that this should be a weight off of my shoulders but I miss my friend dearly. And frankly, I think I miss knowing that I was a light in his life, even though I was being a hypocrite much of the time. I'm beginning to see God's glory in my distancing (to not be unequally yoked) and this may be to each of our benefits, but God's glory isn't always a warm fuzzy feeling.

Piece #5

I miss my puppy. Not having him here is making me deal with feelings that I'm generally uncomfortable with.

Piece #6

I'm saddened by Chuck's unbelief in Jesus and his hardened heart every time I play with Augie. He is so much like what Chuck used to be like when he was little: he loves trains and Thomas the tank engine, he's funny, loving, caring and silly. I miss my baby brother. I don't see my brother in this person he has become- angry, mean, hurting inside, bitter and all together unpleasant for me to be around. I don't know how to interact with him anymore without being hurt or pained. Having these feelings I can't imagine my parent's heartache over Chuck walking away. Even more God's broken heart. I'm grateful that I can have these feelings and have a minute feeling for God's heart but it's just awful.