Two days in one

I'm already a day behind...shoot. This is a reflection of what my prayer life looks like, not something I confess easily. That's a huge conviction of mine and a big goal...to have a more consistent prayer-life.

Yesterday, I decided to take the day off from pretty much everything. I was feeling WAY burnt out. I was able to make breakfast- oatmeal with frozen fruit in it- and eat it slowly. This is something simple, but I haven't really been allowing myself the simple things. Then I watched a weekend message from Cornerstone and went to Milo for quiet time by the fire. I read the small prophet books and it really showed me the power and fierceness of God. I have been making Him a fuzzy puppy, but reading about the wrath He is capable of has given me even more appreciation for Jesus. The grace that God has given me is so unbelievable! Then I was able to have a conversation with the guy I have been crushing on and the Holy Spirit revealed that I'm wasting my mind energy. I'm pretty sure this is from the retreat and Paul Sabino but I heard the analogy that Jesus is leading us up a mountain and although it's difficult we need to have faith in Jesus and trust Him. But, because we are weak humans, we lose some faith and trust and complain and get discontent and thirsty. So then we drink and play in dirty trashy puddles, while Jesus is telling us that He has clear, beautiful mountain water at the top. I realized that my past relationships and this crush are just gross, trashy puddles and Jesus desires more for me. I'm most certain that I will jump into some other muddy puddle of sorts but for now, when dealing with boy relationships, I'm going to look forward for the beautiful clear water Jesus has for me.

JUST found out- I got 50 out of 50 on my final paper for women's studies- this class was the only thing between me and graduation, and I'm pretty sure this means that I passed it. Yeah!!

Today was mostly routine, hung out with Augie, had a great time loving on him and making him goofy. Then I went to dinner with a friend who I have looked up to since I met her. She told me about a specific sin she has fallen to and it pretty much resembled my relationship with Josh and Elliot. I was so glad that I could be there to listen and also tell her my experiences and that she needed to walk away from that relationship. To be obedient to God and not be unequally yoked...I can't believe how much God has worked in my heart to get me to that point. Where I can distinctly see that sin is sin and not accept excuses that I may have given in the past. I'm by no means perfect but it's awesome to know that God is using me and my experiences!

No picture for today......but I'll give a mental one: right now I'm wearing a blue snuggie and watching Twilight with my roommates.

Puzzle Pieces

So many things in my head all at once that I can't even take it. So we're going to break it down piece by piece, and it will most likely be incredibly scattered.

Piece #1

I was able to talk with Rawhide a couple of days ago and have an official phone interview THIS Weds at 1:00. Oh boy. I'm hoping to not screw it up, I have been praying like crazy that God void me of myself and speak through me.

Piece # 1.5

On Friday, the same day I spoke with Rawhide, I found out that Brandon (abusive ex-boyfriend from high school) got married at a court house and his now wife is pregnant. According to him, and I'm sure she isn't aware of this, but he figures it would be cheaper to marry her than to pay child support. After reflecting on this I've realized how much God has saved me and changed my life and the importance of being obedient to God. My first real and intentional step of obedience to God was listening and coming to ISU. If I hadn't made that move, I probably wouldn't have gotten out of that relationship when I did, and I have no idea where my life would be. God has given me so many opportunities to be obedient (many that I have passed up ashamedly) but the ones I have taken have brought me to this incredible place!

• I listened and went to Salt Company- was able to identify my relationship as abuse and that God doesn't want me to be treated that way.
• While at Salt Company, I learned about Wildwood Hills Ranch
• Listened and went to Wildwood. Turns out that Wildwood is modeled after Rawhide.
• Had my heart drastically changed for the wounded and hurting children that I believe Jesus weeps over.
• Listened to God's beckoning my heart to check out Rawhide. Although I didn't want to return to WI, I told God okay.
• Toured Rawhide, still with an extremely hesitant and barely willing heart.
• With bitterness, I accepted not getting the internship to work for the Buddenhagen's and instead being with CASA- which has so far taught me about court and those processes that will be helpful at Rawhide.
• Deciding to nanny for $5 rather than pick up hours at the hotel for $8. God has given me so much joy and balance with my nannying position and I would have most likely fallen into a pit being at the hotel that many days a week.
• Listened to God and checked out the church down the road, and I felt like I fit in.

There are so many things that I feel God has divinely lined up for me to be in a place like Rawhide and learn so much. I am trying to remember that I am not entitled to anything and all that God gives me is a gift, but I really want this job. My heart aches and longs for it.

Piece #2

There's this guy that I have had a crush on from a distance since my freshman year of college. It wasn't until last semester that I actually spoke to him, and now this semester we've had random and unintentional chances to hang out and talk. I don't know how to handle this crush because it has no foundation or depth and I don't like how it consumes so many of my thoughts. While having my quiet time I read Proverbs 28:19 which says "he who works his land will have abundant food but the one who chases fantasies will have his fill of poverty." With this crush I'm just chasing fantasy, I want to be focused on my relationship with Jesus and deepening that!! I have the knowledge that I should surrender this pseudo-relationship with this guy to God but I feel like I'm surrendering my thoughts every second because I can't not think about this guy!

Piece #3

This past weekend I kind of got accidentally drunk. I say kind of because I'm the one that poured the drink, however I drank it much faster than planned, thus becoming drunk. This isn't a lifestyle that I want to have- it's my way of avoiding my feelings and I'm not trusting God in those moments. I woke up the next morning thinking about the story of Noah being passed out drunk and naked. I felt so ashamed with myself. I need to confess it to someone, but don't want to. That's the stinky part of confessing, it's no fun. But that's the point, and that's what shame is.

Proverbs 28:13- "He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy"

Piece #4

My best friend Josh and I ended an 8 year long friendship. He and I have been through a lot together, and he's the first person I wanted to call when I found out about Brandon because he was the only friend from home that was involved in my life and really helped me break free. After the break up with Brandon, Josh and I went down a sinful path that I am now ashamed of but he's just always been a comfort having been through 8 years of my life. However, with my work with CASA, I realized that the only difference between a lot of the cases we're serving and Josh and his daughter is that the cases we serve have gotten caught. He has this beautiful daughter and he's addicted to drugs, alcohol and sex. Her mother (not together with Josh) is also addicted to these things. It breaks my heart to think of this little girl and the poor role models she has, and once I put these things together I realized that I couldn't stand by and watch this happen, and there is nothing that I can personally do to change the situation. So I had to walk away. I know that this should be a weight off of my shoulders but I miss my friend dearly. And frankly, I think I miss knowing that I was a light in his life, even though I was being a hypocrite much of the time. I'm beginning to see God's glory in my distancing (to not be unequally yoked) and this may be to each of our benefits, but God's glory isn't always a warm fuzzy feeling.

Piece #5

I miss my puppy. Not having him here is making me deal with feelings that I'm generally uncomfortable with.

Piece #6

I'm saddened by Chuck's unbelief in Jesus and his hardened heart every time I play with Augie. He is so much like what Chuck used to be like when he was little: he loves trains and Thomas the tank engine, he's funny, loving, caring and silly. I miss my baby brother. I don't see my brother in this person he has become- angry, mean, hurting inside, bitter and all together unpleasant for me to be around. I don't know how to interact with him anymore without being hurt or pained. Having these feelings I can't imagine my parent's heartache over Chuck walking away. Even more God's broken heart. I'm grateful that I can have these feelings and have a minute feeling for God's heart but it's just awful.