Ever have one of those moments where you realize that God has answered a prayer that you've been praying for a really long time? And then realizing that you REALLY didn't want it answered? That's how I've been feeling for the past 3 hours.
In the past, when fellow-believers would talk to me about having an aching heart for the unbelievers, I just couldn't 'get' it. I wanted to have that heart, I wanted to ache to spread the Kingdom and to feel compassion for those who don't believe. However, I think that in my selfish heart, I wanted my heart to ache for those that were far away, in another country....not my brother. Not my best friends.
All day today Charlie has been on my mind. I'm not calling him Chuck because I simply don't like Chuck, the one that is mean and angry, I like Charlie, the little boy who I called one of my best friends when I was little. My mental pictures of him were rolling all day with a few videoclips in between and my heart aches. My heart cries when I think of my brother. Then at Salt Company we were singing songs about how Jesus is our Savior, our Redeemer and other amazing songs and all I could think was that Charlie can't sing those with the joy that I can. He can't sing those with peace and rejoicing and feeling complete because he is choosing to walk away. Then I thought of Valerie and Josh and a lot of people back home and the ripples just continued. I don't know how to go about dealing with this.......the selfish part of me wants to plead with God to take this feeling back. To unhear my prayers and cover up this ache for me.
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