Puzzle Pieces

So many things in my head all at once that I can't even take it. So we're going to break it down piece by piece, and it will most likely be incredibly scattered.

Piece #1

I was able to talk with Rawhide a couple of days ago and have an official phone interview THIS Weds at 1:00. Oh boy. I'm hoping to not screw it up, I have been praying like crazy that God void me of myself and speak through me.

Piece # 1.5

On Friday, the same day I spoke with Rawhide, I found out that Brandon (abusive ex-boyfriend from high school) got married at a court house and his now wife is pregnant. According to him, and I'm sure she isn't aware of this, but he figures it would be cheaper to marry her than to pay child support. After reflecting on this I've realized how much God has saved me and changed my life and the importance of being obedient to God. My first real and intentional step of obedience to God was listening and coming to ISU. If I hadn't made that move, I probably wouldn't have gotten out of that relationship when I did, and I have no idea where my life would be. God has given me so many opportunities to be obedient (many that I have passed up ashamedly) but the ones I have taken have brought me to this incredible place!

• I listened and went to Salt Company- was able to identify my relationship as abuse and that God doesn't want me to be treated that way.
• While at Salt Company, I learned about Wildwood Hills Ranch
• Listened and went to Wildwood. Turns out that Wildwood is modeled after Rawhide.
• Had my heart drastically changed for the wounded and hurting children that I believe Jesus weeps over.
• Listened to God's beckoning my heart to check out Rawhide. Although I didn't want to return to WI, I told God okay.
• Toured Rawhide, still with an extremely hesitant and barely willing heart.
• With bitterness, I accepted not getting the internship to work for the Buddenhagen's and instead being with CASA- which has so far taught me about court and those processes that will be helpful at Rawhide.
• Deciding to nanny for $5 rather than pick up hours at the hotel for $8. God has given me so much joy and balance with my nannying position and I would have most likely fallen into a pit being at the hotel that many days a week.
• Listened to God and checked out the church down the road, and I felt like I fit in.

There are so many things that I feel God has divinely lined up for me to be in a place like Rawhide and learn so much. I am trying to remember that I am not entitled to anything and all that God gives me is a gift, but I really want this job. My heart aches and longs for it.

Piece #2

There's this guy that I have had a crush on from a distance since my freshman year of college. It wasn't until last semester that I actually spoke to him, and now this semester we've had random and unintentional chances to hang out and talk. I don't know how to handle this crush because it has no foundation or depth and I don't like how it consumes so many of my thoughts. While having my quiet time I read Proverbs 28:19 which says "he who works his land will have abundant food but the one who chases fantasies will have his fill of poverty." With this crush I'm just chasing fantasy, I want to be focused on my relationship with Jesus and deepening that!! I have the knowledge that I should surrender this pseudo-relationship with this guy to God but I feel like I'm surrendering my thoughts every second because I can't not think about this guy!

Piece #3

This past weekend I kind of got accidentally drunk. I say kind of because I'm the one that poured the drink, however I drank it much faster than planned, thus becoming drunk. This isn't a lifestyle that I want to have- it's my way of avoiding my feelings and I'm not trusting God in those moments. I woke up the next morning thinking about the story of Noah being passed out drunk and naked. I felt so ashamed with myself. I need to confess it to someone, but don't want to. That's the stinky part of confessing, it's no fun. But that's the point, and that's what shame is.

Proverbs 28:13- "He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy"

Piece #4

My best friend Josh and I ended an 8 year long friendship. He and I have been through a lot together, and he's the first person I wanted to call when I found out about Brandon because he was the only friend from home that was involved in my life and really helped me break free. After the break up with Brandon, Josh and I went down a sinful path that I am now ashamed of but he's just always been a comfort having been through 8 years of my life. However, with my work with CASA, I realized that the only difference between a lot of the cases we're serving and Josh and his daughter is that the cases we serve have gotten caught. He has this beautiful daughter and he's addicted to drugs, alcohol and sex. Her mother (not together with Josh) is also addicted to these things. It breaks my heart to think of this little girl and the poor role models she has, and once I put these things together I realized that I couldn't stand by and watch this happen, and there is nothing that I can personally do to change the situation. So I had to walk away. I know that this should be a weight off of my shoulders but I miss my friend dearly. And frankly, I think I miss knowing that I was a light in his life, even though I was being a hypocrite much of the time. I'm beginning to see God's glory in my distancing (to not be unequally yoked) and this may be to each of our benefits, but God's glory isn't always a warm fuzzy feeling.

Piece #5

I miss my puppy. Not having him here is making me deal with feelings that I'm generally uncomfortable with.

Piece #6

I'm saddened by Chuck's unbelief in Jesus and his hardened heart every time I play with Augie. He is so much like what Chuck used to be like when he was little: he loves trains and Thomas the tank engine, he's funny, loving, caring and silly. I miss my baby brother. I don't see my brother in this person he has become- angry, mean, hurting inside, bitter and all together unpleasant for me to be around. I don't know how to interact with him anymore without being hurt or pained. Having these feelings I can't imagine my parent's heartache over Chuck walking away. Even more God's broken heart. I'm grateful that I can have these feelings and have a minute feeling for God's heart but it's just awful.