Rough and Tough kind of day

First of all, today is the ten year anniversary of the attack on the World Trade Center. I wish I had an epic story of what I was doing when I first found out, but honestly, I don't. I was an egocentric 7th grader that had no idea the implications this had. I still am hazy on what the Towers were actually used for and I used the attack as an excuse to go home from school early. However, I now am so incredibly grateful for those that lost and gave their lives to the cause of protecting the country I live in.

Another tough thing today that I will probably always remember- my dog and best friend Marne died today. He was on a car ride with me and while I was driving he jumped out of the window and the truck on my right side hit him. The man driving the truck pulled over and I pulled into the gas station across the street. I watched my puppy dog look at me and wag his tail until he was gone. It appeared that his head hit the road and by his wagging tail I think it was painless. Though it was painless for him this is incredibly painful for me. The gentleman that hit him felt awful and I couldn't give him any comfort though I was strangely calm through all of it. I picked Marne up out of the busy street and carried him to my car and brought him home. My dad came out and confirmed that we were going to have to have a funeral for him and suggested we put him under the catulpa tree. This was a perfect place- I remember my dad, brother and I planting it together excited to see how big it would get. This tree is right next to the pasture where many of my past animals have lived, where I have spent hours upon hours studying and sleeping and where Marne-Barney chased the heifers that watched him be buried. My dad offered to pray and that was a God-sent blessing for my heart- my dad thanking God for the joy that Marne has given me and thanking God for giving me a companion. My dad then suggested I go buy tulip bulbs (my favorite flowers which I doubt my dad knows) to plant where Marne is buried so they will bloom in spring.

My heart is aching for my lost friend but I have faith that God will be faithful and be good in all situations. This is especially painful because Marne was the one being that I could count on loving me unconditionally and without any reservations. I miss you already my favorite buddy.

Finally a Rawhide Update

I accidentally recorded it in robot voice, woops!

What I Would Do With a Day Off

It's been about a month and half since I've had some time to myself, and this morning I woke up a little early to have some down time and I wish I could spend the rest of my day in the state I have been in. This is what I would do:

Finish reading Exodus
Finish reading Mere Christianity
Finish reading Holding Hands Holding Hearts
Write thank you cards to the Johnson's, Marr's, Renee, B, Brittney, Jaime, Bettina, Caitlin
Go through my unnamed songs in my itunes and get the song and artist information
Take a nap
Make a delicious lunch
Listen to Cornerstone sermons I'm behind on
Write down the adventures I've been having all summer and reflect

I'm not complaining about all the things I've been doing that have prevented such a day, because they have all been filled with wonderful people, time and experiences, I'm just a little tired and drained. However, today I am going to go to church at Lakeside Worship in Polk City, hang out and Saylorville and hopefully continue learning how to drive motorcycle thanks to my wonderful teacher (my cousin Mike).

Okoboji Trip

I have lots and lots to talk about, but I just had a pretty great trip and would like to document it to make sure it can have an anniversary trip soon.

We went on motorcycle rides, boat rides, jet ski rides. Pulled an all-nighter with Brittney Bunce and B Stone because we were to excited and energized by our God-talks. We tried to watch the sunset, climb a water tower, and break back into the house (we got locked out). Had quiet time with Jesus and Brittney Bunce. Accidentally crossed into the MN border on the way home. Read outside soaking up the 100 degree, 85% humidity weather for an hour. Went to camp with B and was able to see a snippet of her summer life. Mini golfing at Pirate's Cove, Blue bunny ice cream, pizza ranch. ALMOST ate a piece of steak, but I'm still vegetarian.

Once I get a converter for my memory card I'll be sure to post pictures. And write about my summer- I've just been having way too much fun to be on my computer!

A request from Jaime Adams

Well Jaime, this video is for you! He wouldn't dance like the gummy bear while the camera was on, but he loves the song any way :-)

Pre-Birthday day

Tomorrow is my birthday and I am going to Wildwood! Super excited!! I was at work (Papa Murphy's) and practically got giddy thinking about the big day. I can't wait to be able to go fishing, hiking, horse-riding, shoot bow and arrow, arts and crafts, and speak Jesus with some kids. Just can't wait!!!!! Before I was not looking forward to my bday because I was worried about being lonely since my family and a lot of my friends aren't here, but I'm going to take the blessings that God has given me and take advantage. So excited!!!

Field Trip!!

This afternoon Augie and I took an adventure to Wildwood- what can I say, I can't resist the place! My other motivation for the field trip was that I heard that one of my favorite ranchers, Trayvon, was there. It was absolutely incredible to see the effect that Augie had on these hurting children- they wanted to be his role model, they wanted to take care of him and show him new things! I remember one boy (last year) had no desire to be at camp and was considered a 'code Gump' (runner) for the first five hours and we had to continually chase him and bring him back from the highway and today he was excited to play with Augie, and of course, Augie is receptive to all attention. He had both boys and girls aweing over him and wanting to play with him. Even grumpy Mr. Lynn (Augie called him 'Cowboy') couldn't help but smile and giggle over what Augie was doing. Mr. Lynn offered Augie to ride one of the horses but Augie told us 'not quite yet, Augie's not quite ready' I feel this means we need to make more trips down!

They were teaching Augie how to punt it!

Augie and this boy talking about the lake and the pool

Trayvon and Augie playing catch

The picture on the left is from last year, and the one on the right from today. It's amazing to me to see how much this little boy has grown, and that he remembered me!

True Story

Yesterday I took Augie to Ledges State Park with the intention of walking in the river. Before we left the house, I talked to him about this and he was very excited to walk in water! He didn't fully understand what fun was going to be had, but past experience has taught him to trust that I have fun in store for him. So, we were walking down the winding hills and I knew exactly where we're going and Augie was following. We were less than 20 feet from the river destination and all of a sudden Augie got distracted by a pile of sand. All he wanted to do was play in that measly pile of sand even though I kept reminding him about the super-fun upcoming river and I had a better plan than the sand. Eventually I was able to persuade him to start walking my way but instead of taking the paved path he wanted to walk through the grass that was taller than him. Augie ended up tripping and falling over sticks and having difficulty seeing me. We finally go to the river and he loved it! At first, while walking through the river he was having no problems staying on his feet and figuring out where the rocks were and where to step. Then it started getting deeper and rockier and Aug instinctively reached up for my hand that is always ready for him. At some parts I was there as a simple comfort- that he'll be okay- other places he was completely dependent on me to stand. When we were leaving he was so tired and physically exhausted there was no way that he could make it back up the winding hills. I picked him up and carried him through the winding hills, carrying his toy turtle, toy boat and sippy cup. Though carrying Augie was a little difficult for me, I realized that none of our trip was impossible for me. I've done it many times on my own and with others. But for Augie, without me he would have had no guidance, support or strength to figure it all out.

Thank you God for showing me how much I am like Augie in Ledges Park. Thank you God that I have Jesus there to show me the way, to wait patiently as I walk through long grass stubbornly. Thank you Jesus that you are there to hold my hand, hold me up or carry me and all of my baggage.

Pictures Blog!

Here are some pictures from my recent life:

I took Augie to Emily's fiance's farm for the day. It was a good moment because many of my childhood memories have been spent on the 4020 tractor with my dad 

Checking out the steers

At Reiman Gardens in the butterfly part

My last hangout with B before she went to camp

Ha, she got the swing AND her glove stuck on top and stubbornly asked for help

We were playing Jenga and then had a sculpture contest, of course I won! (His sculpture)

She had Kleenexes in case she got a little emotional over her loss (her sculpture)

Took Jack to Ledges and traipsed through the river

For one of my three days off I went to Wildwood and followed them around while doing staff training

Found a crawdad!

Sasha tried to jump the washout....and ALMOST made it!

One of the grossest team building activities ever- clean out the sludge from the river flooding

The beautiful sunsets at this place are one of the many reasons I love it

Blegh.

My posts have been sparse and I have little excuses.
To be completely honest, I feel that for the past few weeks (maybe month and a half?) I've been in a funk. A depressed, discontent, filled with contempt toward God funk. This past week through church, a new bible study and salt company I've realized that I'm just generally upset that I'm still in Ames and not being as busy as I would like. I'm starting to realize that although I have these obstacles and trials I shouldn't be focusing on those and complaining, my focus should be on God's awesome and mighty power. Also, God has shown me that it's not about my plan, or my desire to be busy busy busy, it's about His plan. His plan is ALWAYS better than mine and I need to trust that me being in Ames has a Godly purpose and I need to quit moping around my apartment being a lazy pile and quit bringing others down with my complaining and start truly reflecting His light.

Now, about the new bible study- I'm mostly excited about it (I'm still trying to avoid quiet time with God and using distractions...) It's called the Radical Experiment and it's all about getting to know God more because you want to out of the overflowing passion of your heart. Now some (including myself) would think, 'didn't you just write that you're upset with God and don't want to follow?" Yup, that's why I'm doing it. I want to learn about God more so that I can have a better appreciation for Him, His power, might and absolute glory. So, the challenge of it is that you read the bible in a year (which I've tried and have yet to succeed), pray for the World in a year (have never tried, and I like learning about the countries so far and am beginning to have more of a heart for the world!), give sacrificially (I can always work on that), become a crucial part of a local church (kind of hard to commit to since I'm leaving in August but.....) and to engage in a different context (like eating at Food at First with those that have less than me). I've started the bible reading and the praying for the world, still trying to figure out the logistics of the others. (That sounds like a total cop out/reason for a distraction/reason for not doing it, and it most likely is). That's that. Please pray for my heart through all of this and that God totally transform it.

No official word from Rawhide yet, their waiting to talk to my references.

New Goal

I keep setting goals for myself, and then don't complete them. So, I'm going to try again. Today, I am setting the goal to read the gospels in one month. I have read them separately, but never together and I think God will teach me a lot. So, by June 18 I will have read the four gospels and finished a goal!

Rawhide Interview Update

I returned to good ole Iowa yesterday afternoon and to be utterly honest, I cried in the airport not wanting to be here. I had such a fabulous time in WI and this was the longest I've stayed there in two years. I've been asked many times how the interview went, and I can't put it into words. I simply felt at home, that it was the perfect fit for me. I was able to interact with the guys, joke around, play kickball, basketball and catch. I had quiet time by a beautiful lake hearing frogs sing to each other. It was a haven and I hope to be a part of it. After Rawhide I met up with Valerie and helped her move into her new apartment where she can be roommate-free and start a professional life! Over the weekend, I was blessed to see Valerie graduate, hang out with my dad and deliver twin calves (both lived) and talk faith with my dad.

This past week was filled with so many blessings that filled my heart with joy and laughter. I think that being content here is going to be a challenge for me but I pray that God helps me find a way.

Long awaited week

Since February I have been looking forward to this week because it is my Rawhide interview/stay. I am feeling so many things. My mind is anxious/freaking out, my heart is at peace. I feel it's a war between God (my heart) and the world (my mind) where the world keeps telling me that this isn't going to work out and I need a back up plan and I'm too confident. But I really feel God telling me this is it. BAHHH!

Big Girl Time!

I graduated this weekend! Cassi (who I've been in many classes and interned with) and I sat next to each other and walked together. It still hasn't sunk in that I am currently done with school. This chapter of my life is closing and I'm moving forward. I honestly don't think it will hit until August when many of my friends start up school again and I will be working. This is a complete shift in my life routine....weird!

My entire family came to graduation and that was really touching that they put forth that much effort (it became a huge headache for everyone) but having them in town filled my heart with much peace. And my friends Greg and Drew came unexpectedly as well as Brian, Caitlin, Craig and a few others. It was almost a surprise as to how much support I felt, and then I got a little overwhelmed being the center of attention.

After graduation, my parents took out the Marr's and the Johnson's and I thought it was pretty cool to watch essentially my three families combine and interact. It was a good time. When the Johnson's left (the girls were READY to go) Mike (Augie's dad) said that he felt that a mini tornado just tore through...mostly true. I think I'm going to miss Ames a lot.

Monday Monday

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had all semester....I'll even stretch to say all year....and this is why!

• I slept until noon, without waking up to an alarm!
• I made pancakes for the first time that were delicious!
• I received my tax refund check in the mail!
• I received a postcard from Valerie in the mail!
• I received pictures from my mom of Marne in the mail!
• I went to a Reilly concert!
• I got to catch up with a dear friend at the concert (Bettina!!!!!)
• I found out that a friend passed onto her roommate a prayer request for my health and that she was praying for me, and that was a really awesome and incredible feeling!
• I got to pass on the news that their prayers were answered!
• I ate coconut cream pie!
• I went to bed early!

Pictures from the concert:

Megan, Rachel Reed, Me, Dana McKeever, Bettina Khanthongdy

Me and Bettina- she is such a ray of sunshine!

Bettina, Dan (from Reilly), me, Rachel

I Wonder if He Knows

I wonder if he knows how much I miss him.
I wonder if he knows how much his statements hurt.
I wonder if he knows I'm praying for him daily.
I wonder if he knows how much his disbelief angers me.
I wonder if he knows how much I want him to talk to me.
I wonder if he knows how badly I want him at graduation.
I wonder if he knows my heart aches for him.
I wonder if he knows I don't like him.
I wonder if he knows I reminisce about the old him.
I wonder if he knows that I used to look up to him as a role model.
I wonder if he knows I cherish him.
I wonder if he knows his angry rants make me roll my eyes.
I wonder if he knows his angry rants are pushing people away.
I wonder if he knows his angry rants are making me stronger in my faith.
I wonder if he knows how disconnected he and I have become.
I wonder if he knows how many people are praying for him.
I wonder if he knows people aren't going to give up.
I wonder if he knows I love him dearly.

Learning...

I have to keep this part pretty brief and slightly non-informational, but now that my internship is wrapping up I have really learned about what kind of supervisor/employer/employee/co-worker I do and don't want to be. And my statements aren't always the negative of my experience, I have seen both positive and negative in my boss. So in reflection, here goes a little bit that I've gathered:

• I want to do things out of a Jesus-like heart, not one that is driven by money or things of this world
• I want to try to never speak negatively about the people I serve. Even if it's joking, it's unacceptable and tactless.
• I want to always be driven to work my hardest because the people I hope to serve deserve the best.
• I pray that I will always rely on Jesus and surrender it all at the cross.
• I want to be in fellowship with people that can hold me accountable in all aspects of my work.
• I want to be organized.
• I want to be timely.
• I want to never put my work before my family (if I were to pick, right now I foresee this being my biggest struggle)
• I want to keep an open mind to new ideas and be willing to change 

A couple of other updates in my life:

• I joined an intramural softball team and thought it would not a lot of fun (I remember gym class in HS being AWFUL) but the guys and girls on our team are simply great. We won our first three games and get to move on, and nobody got frustrated or mad about my lack of skill, but just having fun and laughing it off. This has been a great test of my willingness to form relationships, bonds and pride in myself.

Our official softball team (left to right: B Stone, Brittney Bunce, Megan McFarland, me, Nicole Milliron, Rachel Reed, Drew Atkinson, Greg Kufahl, Matt Pruss, Kris Maley)

• I hung out with B and her neighbors (softball guys) last night and it was one of those situations where I was invited, knew I would have fun once I got there, but just didn't want to go. So I called my mom and told her about it and she convinced me to at least stop by; I got there at 7 pm and didn't get home until 3 am. Needless to say I had lots of fun. The guys grilled (and had vegetables and fruit and cole slaw and potato salad along with brats and hot dogs...they knew what they were doing!), we played bags (another first time thing) and then played sardines and 'bloody murder' around Freddy Court all night. It was so much fun to get back in touch with my inner middle schooler and run around for hours. Then we all cuddled up and watched 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"- not the classiest of shows and I probably won't watch it by myself but I didn't choose it. Now the guys are going to come to Salt with us and the hypnotist after (it's VEISHEA week!) It's just amazing to me how quickly bonds can be formed when I'm willing to let down my guard.
• I applied for a job at Woodward Academy, which is a treatment facility for juvenile boys that have committed crimes. I thought about working there this summer to get a little experience, and they offered me a position however as soon as she offered it I just didn't get a joy or peace in my heart. Thinking about it, I think that I'm going to turn the offer down because their philosophy doesn't mix with mine, and if I do get a job at Rawhide (where I can easily jump in with both feet) I don't want to burn myself out from this work because I'm frustrated at Woodward. So the employment search continues...however thinking worldly and remembering the pay, resume building, and 'perks' it's difficult to walk away. Praying that I keep my eyes focused on Jesus.
• A couple weeks ago Cody Cline spoke at salt and asked 'what do you need to stay passionate for Jesus?" Before I could process he answered "Jesus! You don't need Cornerstone, or Salt or your connection groups. So when you think about going to your hometown small church don't think you're going to lose Jesus." This was super encouraging and affirming that I'm going to be okay and Jesus will still be burning a fire in my heart.
• I miss home.
• I don't want to focus on missing home because I know I'm leaving here soon, but my heart is aching.

Answered Prayers

Ever have one of those moments where you realize that God has answered a prayer that you've been praying for a really long time? And then realizing that you REALLY didn't want it answered? That's how I've been feeling for the past 3 hours.

In the past, when fellow-believers would talk to me about having an aching heart for the unbelievers, I just couldn't 'get' it. I wanted to have that heart, I wanted to ache to spread the Kingdom and to feel compassion for those who don't believe. However, I think that in my selfish heart, I wanted my heart to ache for those that were far away, in another country....not my brother. Not my best friends.

All day today Charlie has been on my mind. I'm not calling him Chuck because I simply don't like Chuck, the one that is mean and angry, I like Charlie, the little boy who I called one of my best friends when I was little. My mental pictures of him were rolling all day with a few videoclips in between and my heart aches. My heart cries when I think of my brother. Then at Salt Company we were singing songs about how Jesus is our Savior, our Redeemer and other amazing songs and all I could think was that Charlie can't sing those with the joy that I can. He can't sing those with peace and rejoicing and feeling complete because he is choosing to walk away. Then I thought of Valerie and Josh and a lot of people back home and the ripples just continued. I don't know how to go about dealing with this.......the selfish part of me wants to plead with God to take this feeling back. To unhear my prayers and cover up this ache for me.

No Blogging...

I haven't blogged for a while, and I don't really want to quite yet.

Dancing with No Pants

Every time I see him do things like this I am reminded that Jesus tells us to have faith like a child :-)

Bad mood.

This morning I read someone else's blog about how they have realized how little time they give to God, that they only give their scraps of time and they plan on becoming more disciplined in this. This REALLY convicted me....but I haven't been proactive in that conviction. Even now as I type, I know that I can be spending time in the word and God can perform miracles in my heart, but I just don't want to. Frankly, I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go to CASA. I don't want to go to bible study. I don't want to move from my futon to make myself food or get a drink of water. I feel apathetic, lazy and pathetic. Also, I got the pictures from Steve of the Event from last night and saw pictures of myself and couldn't even recognize my own picture. I don't see the person I feel I am in those pictures...my mood is no good.

3.27.2011

Today I worked, I ran, I was a part of an event that was supposed to pay tribute to children that have died from abuse, and then went to a concert.

The highlight was the concert (Attaboy and News from Verona). Concerts have a special way of soothing my soul and making it joyful all at once. God divinely set up the day to end with a concert, especially since the Event did not go well or smoothly and was very frustrating. God is good and works things out for our good...even the little things.

Joy and Lindsey (two girls from the H.S. group I led) got to dance on stage

I love when people have expressive eyebrows!

Oh! I was able to end my day with an overdue long phone conversation with Valerie. I am so grateful to have her as a friend which is convicting me to be more bold in speaking to her about her faith...I have had difficult living 8 hours away from her, I am deeply saddened/burdened imagining eternity without her.

26th Day of March

It's becoming difficult to think of a title for these EVERY day...I might just have to start dating them until my brain starts thinking of quirky-catchy things.

Today was a long day. A good day, but a long one.

A picture from the Malawi team last year, what my registration money went towards.

Started off with the 5K and it went MUCH better than I expected. B, Brittney and myself determined that we were going to run the entire thing and do so without complaining or being negative. It was a lot of fun to be around happy and energetic people that were all there to raise money for the Malawi team. I wish that I could start every morning off with people encouraging and cheering me on.

After the run I had to head straight to work at the hotel and my list of rooms to clean was pretty boss- mostly stayovers. Even though our lists were easy today it seemed like everyone was in an exceptionally bad mood. Whenever I'm there I try to be intentional about my mood and thoughts because it is such a negative place but today was just different. I'm not sure if there was a difference because I was on such a high or if Satan was being extra purposeful in using their moods. Maybe a bit of both?

Then went to church with Alyssa, who is so close to accepting Christ, and it just floors me how much of a drastic change I see in her already. When I met her last Christmas she was an angry teen that would not talk about God (very much like Chuck) and I knew a lot about her 'social' life from her older sister. Now, she's coming to church with her Bible and her notebook excited to learn, and she's singing along with worship. God is at work in her heart and I feel so honored to be a part of it- I need to definitely work on my doubt issues...Please lots of prayers for her.

Graduation is coming up. I don't think I've quite grasped what's going to happen.

Crashing Down

Tomorrow I'm running the 5K March for Malawi. It's going to be a disaster.

Netswing with Augie

This swing is held up by a bar that is on the door frame. I've had my own swing for two years and it has never fallen. While I'm feeling safe and secure, having fun and giggling with Augie, the swing and bar, fell. The bar hit me in the face and Augie on the shoulder and my tailbone killed. (Augie and I are alright....thankfully he takes getting hurt REALLY well). I feel this is symbolic of my faith right now...I was feeling pretty safe and secure. Then I let myself come crashing down. Thankfully God is gracious and full of grace.

The Only Thing

I have not stuck to my blog every day routine, and there is a reason. A couple.

While in Chicago, I fell into old habits and fell to a reoccurring sin. I think that then, I was choosing not to blog because that was all that was on my mind, but I was struggling letting anybody know. Then after processing it, I didn't want to blog until I spoke with Jesus more.

On the way to Chicago, I was talking to a friend about what I am struggling with right now and told her humility was really difficult for me. I've been praying that God humble me and force me to remember that I am a filthy sinner and need Jesus. To show me that I have no reason to be self-righteous. And it wasn't until this morning that I realized that God is using my sin to answer my prayers. Last night I was just wrecked with frustration over my sin and that I set a trap for a non-believer to sin and I was being a hypocrite in claiming Christ's name and being beligerent in my sin. Then I woke up and read in Beth and Proverbs 23 that God can use those to show us that the only thing that's good in me is Jesus. the ONLY thing. I don't have a picture, but I have a link. 

This is a song that I've known for years, but especially this morning it's striking a chord in my heart. I love music and I love thinking about how God composes it all so beautifully.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9BytyZbyW8

Chicago Full Day 1

I'm in Chicago for the National CASA conference, and wasn't completely stoked for it but of course God has a way of constantly changing my heart and blessing me. I'm staying at my roommate's sister's apt, and she left for the weekend which means I have an AWESOME apartment to myself. So so kind of her, and this apartment is crazy great- like in the movies crazy great. It overlooks the river and has a big living room and nice windows, I woke up exceptionally happy and praising Jesus this morning.

Took the bus to the conference and ended up getting off too early, but the 10 block walk turned out to be really great and good for my soul. At 7:40 AM there isn't much movement on the Magnificent Mile and in that moment I thought that I really wouldn't mind living in Chicago for a year or two. But then I was on the Magnificent Mile at 5:00 I wasn't too keen on that idea. For the conference there was a session from 9:00-12:00, but I decided I wanted to not go to it, and Steve felt the same way- so we ditched and I ventured out on my own. I made sure not to stray too far-afraid of getting lost- but it was great to walk around and take my time for hours! Jesus and I had some quiet time by the river (until my butt got too cold) and then I went for a burrito at a local place (when I travel I try to eat at local places). As I was eating at the bar by the window I saw this homeless-looking man hunched over a trash can drinking out of a paper bag.

-----For the past couple of weeks in my bible study and all throughout my readings the Holy Spirit has been reminding me to help the least of the these, and also that everyone is better than me and that I need to have a helping and servants heart------

I started to pray about it and ask God, how do I help him? How do I show your love to him? Right when I was thinking about this he finished off the bottle, and went back into the 7-eleven behind him and came back out with another bottle. After eating, I crossed the street and bought a muffin for the man. We ended up having a 20-25 minute conversation and it was pretty apparent that there were mental issues going on and spiritual warfare. I tried to talk to him about Jesus and I told him that's my secret to life and this man seemed to be under a demonic spell where he would start a sentence, and I believe the sentences continued in his head, but he couldn't continue to vocalize those thoughts, they would turn into a hum. Watching his eyes I could see that in his head he was still talking but I couldn't understand him at all. It was very scary for me to see something like that......I'm hoping that I don't forget William, the man outside of Burrito Beach. 

Went back to the conference. Sat for a four hour session.

Now I'm in my loaner apartment and having a WI-made beer :-) If I could live in digs like this, I would still probably not mind living here for a little bit. Here are some pictures of my excursions today:

Disgusted

Tonight I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I am a manipulative, negative and selfish person. Last week, I asked a girl from my connection group to hang out because I don't feel super close to her and want to. So we scheduled to hang out for tonight, and I told her that I would make her dinner.Then we went to visit a friend at work (coffee shop) and she told me that she didn't have any money with her and explained her financial situation. So I bought her coffee (while flinching and whining and worrying and complaining inside). I thought that after coffee that would be the end of our hanging out after I brought her home and then I could go out to the bars with a few friends and hang out with them (other friend isn't 21). While we're having coffee, friend asks to go watch a movie (in my head I was not happy, but I tried to pretend to. I'm pretty sure I did an awful job). I suggest we go to redbox and see what they have, while on the way to Walgreens I ask if she wants to see any of the dollar theater movies- Tangled was the choice. I buy the tickets, and am grumbling inside because they cost $7 because it was in 3D and I didn't know that it was in 3D and was wearing my glasses and had to pay for ANOTHER thing. Oh, and while we were waiting for the movie to start I suggest we go to Walgreens and buy candy. Then in my head I got upset when she ate my candy. Heaven forbid she eat my $1 candy that I offered to her!

I don't want to be this way! I don't want to be upset that I spent money on someone other than myself. I hate it. I'm so disgusted right now. Especially since only a few days ago I was saying I wanted to improve my relational skills- HELLO?!?! On the way home, tonight I spent just as much (if not less) than I did driving back and forth to Des Moines for the retreat, which I did for fellowship purposes. I just don't understand why I am so burdened by this, and even now, when I see the idiocy, hypocrisy and ridiculousness in all of it I still can't stop thinking about it in a negative light. I should be overjoyed that I was able to share what God has given me with others!

I am so grateful that Jesus came for my sins and God did so out of love. I would never make it.








Because I told myself that I would try to post a picture every day, I'm going to change gears because the picture is super cute and precious, and not at all disgusting like my selfishness. Augie and I walked to the horses by Freddy Court this afternoon and he was a total champ!

Choking Hazard

After a very long, awful day filled with sad emotions and children with sad stories, I choked on a penny. It was on the inside of my inhaler and I inhaled the penny...I'm glad I know how to give myself the heimlich. It was incredibly scary and my throat is still a little rough feeling.

Unresearched Questions

I've been pondering this since last night, and I haven't gone to Scripture yet to figure it out, and I know that if I go to Scripture God will answer, but I'm human and slightly stubborn, so I think I'm going to ponder a little longer.

In my women's bible study, somebody mentioned that when we get to heaven we will be presented with two types of books: the book of life, which if we are a believer, our name will be written in it and we'll be saved. Then there's the book of sins we have committed. Ever. Every single thing. And we are going to be judged on that and held accountable to all of that. But then doesn't that conflict with what Jesus did? The blood stained cross washing away my sins and turning them from crimson to white as snow? And what about God forgiving and forgetting as soon as we ask for such?

Is this a one or the other answer or the two of them are intertwined? I'm confused. I need to go to scripture with this. 

Todays picture is a picture of my bedroom.

 It is cluttered, and that's only half of it. Admittedly, I've always been a cluttered person, but now it's driving me crazy. My car is cluttered. My trunk is cluttered. My kitchen. My bathroom. My living room. My bedroom. My bookshelf. My bag that I carry everything around in. My purse. My life. I long for the time and energy for when I can de-clutter everything. I can't do it over a few days...I'm an all-or-nothing cleaner. If I stop I won't finish and I'll be back to clutter. If it weren't 12:10 and I didn't have to be up at 6 I would look for symbolism in this and how it relates to my relationship with God and others...

Absolutely Appalled

I was on my way to the post office and turned the corner to find a child in this window-well...or vent-well:

There was another child on the outside, holding a coat down, trying to pull his brother up and out of well. While taking in the scene of everything, I noticed a rather tall (at least 6 foot) and fit man watching this scenario while having a conversation, and at least 5 or 6 people walk into the post office ignoring these children! I just don't understand how you could possibly turn a blind eye to a CHILD being in this space, obviously not going to get out on his own or with his brothers help and go about your day! I walked over and asked if they needed help (of course they did) and we worked together to get him out. It took 30 seconds. All of those people were too busy to give 30 seconds to a child they could visibly see needed help.

Maybe I'm a little more razzed over this than normal because I JUST returned from court dealing with a case that makes me weep inside, but this is not okay. We need to refocus our society. Yes those kids were dumb to be down there, but kids are dumb- we're adults, we're supposed to be there to give assistance, not be the dumb ones.

Lazy Sunday Afternoon

Today was a lazy Sunday. Aside from working until 1:30, I pretty much spent the entire day getting Valerie's birthday package together and watching One Tree Hill. I know that I could have been productive but it was nice to simply relax.