Dancing with No Pants

Every time I see him do things like this I am reminded that Jesus tells us to have faith like a child :-)

Bad mood.

This morning I read someone else's blog about how they have realized how little time they give to God, that they only give their scraps of time and they plan on becoming more disciplined in this. This REALLY convicted me....but I haven't been proactive in that conviction. Even now as I type, I know that I can be spending time in the word and God can perform miracles in my heart, but I just don't want to. Frankly, I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go to CASA. I don't want to go to bible study. I don't want to move from my futon to make myself food or get a drink of water. I feel apathetic, lazy and pathetic. Also, I got the pictures from Steve of the Event from last night and saw pictures of myself and couldn't even recognize my own picture. I don't see the person I feel I am in those pictures...my mood is no good.

3.27.2011

Today I worked, I ran, I was a part of an event that was supposed to pay tribute to children that have died from abuse, and then went to a concert.

The highlight was the concert (Attaboy and News from Verona). Concerts have a special way of soothing my soul and making it joyful all at once. God divinely set up the day to end with a concert, especially since the Event did not go well or smoothly and was very frustrating. God is good and works things out for our good...even the little things.

Joy and Lindsey (two girls from the H.S. group I led) got to dance on stage

I love when people have expressive eyebrows!

Oh! I was able to end my day with an overdue long phone conversation with Valerie. I am so grateful to have her as a friend which is convicting me to be more bold in speaking to her about her faith...I have had difficult living 8 hours away from her, I am deeply saddened/burdened imagining eternity without her.

26th Day of March

It's becoming difficult to think of a title for these EVERY day...I might just have to start dating them until my brain starts thinking of quirky-catchy things.

Today was a long day. A good day, but a long one.

A picture from the Malawi team last year, what my registration money went towards.

Started off with the 5K and it went MUCH better than I expected. B, Brittney and myself determined that we were going to run the entire thing and do so without complaining or being negative. It was a lot of fun to be around happy and energetic people that were all there to raise money for the Malawi team. I wish that I could start every morning off with people encouraging and cheering me on.

After the run I had to head straight to work at the hotel and my list of rooms to clean was pretty boss- mostly stayovers. Even though our lists were easy today it seemed like everyone was in an exceptionally bad mood. Whenever I'm there I try to be intentional about my mood and thoughts because it is such a negative place but today was just different. I'm not sure if there was a difference because I was on such a high or if Satan was being extra purposeful in using their moods. Maybe a bit of both?

Then went to church with Alyssa, who is so close to accepting Christ, and it just floors me how much of a drastic change I see in her already. When I met her last Christmas she was an angry teen that would not talk about God (very much like Chuck) and I knew a lot about her 'social' life from her older sister. Now, she's coming to church with her Bible and her notebook excited to learn, and she's singing along with worship. God is at work in her heart and I feel so honored to be a part of it- I need to definitely work on my doubt issues...Please lots of prayers for her.

Graduation is coming up. I don't think I've quite grasped what's going to happen.

Crashing Down

Tomorrow I'm running the 5K March for Malawi. It's going to be a disaster.

Netswing with Augie

This swing is held up by a bar that is on the door frame. I've had my own swing for two years and it has never fallen. While I'm feeling safe and secure, having fun and giggling with Augie, the swing and bar, fell. The bar hit me in the face and Augie on the shoulder and my tailbone killed. (Augie and I are alright....thankfully he takes getting hurt REALLY well). I feel this is symbolic of my faith right now...I was feeling pretty safe and secure. Then I let myself come crashing down. Thankfully God is gracious and full of grace.

The Only Thing

I have not stuck to my blog every day routine, and there is a reason. A couple.

While in Chicago, I fell into old habits and fell to a reoccurring sin. I think that then, I was choosing not to blog because that was all that was on my mind, but I was struggling letting anybody know. Then after processing it, I didn't want to blog until I spoke with Jesus more.

On the way to Chicago, I was talking to a friend about what I am struggling with right now and told her humility was really difficult for me. I've been praying that God humble me and force me to remember that I am a filthy sinner and need Jesus. To show me that I have no reason to be self-righteous. And it wasn't until this morning that I realized that God is using my sin to answer my prayers. Last night I was just wrecked with frustration over my sin and that I set a trap for a non-believer to sin and I was being a hypocrite in claiming Christ's name and being beligerent in my sin. Then I woke up and read in Beth and Proverbs 23 that God can use those to show us that the only thing that's good in me is Jesus. the ONLY thing. I don't have a picture, but I have a link. 

This is a song that I've known for years, but especially this morning it's striking a chord in my heart. I love music and I love thinking about how God composes it all so beautifully.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9BytyZbyW8

Chicago Full Day 1

I'm in Chicago for the National CASA conference, and wasn't completely stoked for it but of course God has a way of constantly changing my heart and blessing me. I'm staying at my roommate's sister's apt, and she left for the weekend which means I have an AWESOME apartment to myself. So so kind of her, and this apartment is crazy great- like in the movies crazy great. It overlooks the river and has a big living room and nice windows, I woke up exceptionally happy and praising Jesus this morning.

Took the bus to the conference and ended up getting off too early, but the 10 block walk turned out to be really great and good for my soul. At 7:40 AM there isn't much movement on the Magnificent Mile and in that moment I thought that I really wouldn't mind living in Chicago for a year or two. But then I was on the Magnificent Mile at 5:00 I wasn't too keen on that idea. For the conference there was a session from 9:00-12:00, but I decided I wanted to not go to it, and Steve felt the same way- so we ditched and I ventured out on my own. I made sure not to stray too far-afraid of getting lost- but it was great to walk around and take my time for hours! Jesus and I had some quiet time by the river (until my butt got too cold) and then I went for a burrito at a local place (when I travel I try to eat at local places). As I was eating at the bar by the window I saw this homeless-looking man hunched over a trash can drinking out of a paper bag.

-----For the past couple of weeks in my bible study and all throughout my readings the Holy Spirit has been reminding me to help the least of the these, and also that everyone is better than me and that I need to have a helping and servants heart------

I started to pray about it and ask God, how do I help him? How do I show your love to him? Right when I was thinking about this he finished off the bottle, and went back into the 7-eleven behind him and came back out with another bottle. After eating, I crossed the street and bought a muffin for the man. We ended up having a 20-25 minute conversation and it was pretty apparent that there were mental issues going on and spiritual warfare. I tried to talk to him about Jesus and I told him that's my secret to life and this man seemed to be under a demonic spell where he would start a sentence, and I believe the sentences continued in his head, but he couldn't continue to vocalize those thoughts, they would turn into a hum. Watching his eyes I could see that in his head he was still talking but I couldn't understand him at all. It was very scary for me to see something like that......I'm hoping that I don't forget William, the man outside of Burrito Beach. 

Went back to the conference. Sat for a four hour session.

Now I'm in my loaner apartment and having a WI-made beer :-) If I could live in digs like this, I would still probably not mind living here for a little bit. Here are some pictures of my excursions today:

Disgusted

Tonight I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I am a manipulative, negative and selfish person. Last week, I asked a girl from my connection group to hang out because I don't feel super close to her and want to. So we scheduled to hang out for tonight, and I told her that I would make her dinner.Then we went to visit a friend at work (coffee shop) and she told me that she didn't have any money with her and explained her financial situation. So I bought her coffee (while flinching and whining and worrying and complaining inside). I thought that after coffee that would be the end of our hanging out after I brought her home and then I could go out to the bars with a few friends and hang out with them (other friend isn't 21). While we're having coffee, friend asks to go watch a movie (in my head I was not happy, but I tried to pretend to. I'm pretty sure I did an awful job). I suggest we go to redbox and see what they have, while on the way to Walgreens I ask if she wants to see any of the dollar theater movies- Tangled was the choice. I buy the tickets, and am grumbling inside because they cost $7 because it was in 3D and I didn't know that it was in 3D and was wearing my glasses and had to pay for ANOTHER thing. Oh, and while we were waiting for the movie to start I suggest we go to Walgreens and buy candy. Then in my head I got upset when she ate my candy. Heaven forbid she eat my $1 candy that I offered to her!

I don't want to be this way! I don't want to be upset that I spent money on someone other than myself. I hate it. I'm so disgusted right now. Especially since only a few days ago I was saying I wanted to improve my relational skills- HELLO?!?! On the way home, tonight I spent just as much (if not less) than I did driving back and forth to Des Moines for the retreat, which I did for fellowship purposes. I just don't understand why I am so burdened by this, and even now, when I see the idiocy, hypocrisy and ridiculousness in all of it I still can't stop thinking about it in a negative light. I should be overjoyed that I was able to share what God has given me with others!

I am so grateful that Jesus came for my sins and God did so out of love. I would never make it.








Because I told myself that I would try to post a picture every day, I'm going to change gears because the picture is super cute and precious, and not at all disgusting like my selfishness. Augie and I walked to the horses by Freddy Court this afternoon and he was a total champ!

Choking Hazard

After a very long, awful day filled with sad emotions and children with sad stories, I choked on a penny. It was on the inside of my inhaler and I inhaled the penny...I'm glad I know how to give myself the heimlich. It was incredibly scary and my throat is still a little rough feeling.

Unresearched Questions

I've been pondering this since last night, and I haven't gone to Scripture yet to figure it out, and I know that if I go to Scripture God will answer, but I'm human and slightly stubborn, so I think I'm going to ponder a little longer.

In my women's bible study, somebody mentioned that when we get to heaven we will be presented with two types of books: the book of life, which if we are a believer, our name will be written in it and we'll be saved. Then there's the book of sins we have committed. Ever. Every single thing. And we are going to be judged on that and held accountable to all of that. But then doesn't that conflict with what Jesus did? The blood stained cross washing away my sins and turning them from crimson to white as snow? And what about God forgiving and forgetting as soon as we ask for such?

Is this a one or the other answer or the two of them are intertwined? I'm confused. I need to go to scripture with this. 

Todays picture is a picture of my bedroom.

 It is cluttered, and that's only half of it. Admittedly, I've always been a cluttered person, but now it's driving me crazy. My car is cluttered. My trunk is cluttered. My kitchen. My bathroom. My living room. My bedroom. My bookshelf. My bag that I carry everything around in. My purse. My life. I long for the time and energy for when I can de-clutter everything. I can't do it over a few days...I'm an all-or-nothing cleaner. If I stop I won't finish and I'll be back to clutter. If it weren't 12:10 and I didn't have to be up at 6 I would look for symbolism in this and how it relates to my relationship with God and others...

Absolutely Appalled

I was on my way to the post office and turned the corner to find a child in this window-well...or vent-well:

There was another child on the outside, holding a coat down, trying to pull his brother up and out of well. While taking in the scene of everything, I noticed a rather tall (at least 6 foot) and fit man watching this scenario while having a conversation, and at least 5 or 6 people walk into the post office ignoring these children! I just don't understand how you could possibly turn a blind eye to a CHILD being in this space, obviously not going to get out on his own or with his brothers help and go about your day! I walked over and asked if they needed help (of course they did) and we worked together to get him out. It took 30 seconds. All of those people were too busy to give 30 seconds to a child they could visibly see needed help.

Maybe I'm a little more razzed over this than normal because I JUST returned from court dealing with a case that makes me weep inside, but this is not okay. We need to refocus our society. Yes those kids were dumb to be down there, but kids are dumb- we're adults, we're supposed to be there to give assistance, not be the dumb ones.

Lazy Sunday Afternoon

Today was a lazy Sunday. Aside from working until 1:30, I pretty much spent the entire day getting Valerie's birthday package together and watching One Tree Hill. I know that I could have been productive but it was nice to simply relax.

Road Rage

On my way home from work I got flipped off. This was the first time I've ever gotten flipped off, and I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was following behind them with a safe distance in between us and not making funny faces. When this person flipped me off their face was so angry, and I just don't understand why you would exert so much energy into being angry toward a person you'll probably never see again.




This was the sunset Julia and I saw when walking together. I'm so grateful that God gave me this image before I had my job with Julia ended. He knows my needs so well.

Here's the deal

Here's the deal with Thursdays, and why I skipped yet another day. On Thursday nights, I stay at the Johnson's. They have a nice cozy bed and a dog that likes to snuggle (there are other reasons as to why I don't stay at my own apartment those nights but those details aren't particularly important). Downside being- they have WiFi but no idea what the password is, so I can't use my computer at their house and I generally like to blog at the end of the day. It's a poor excuse I know, but I'm going to use it.

Today is a good day. I'm wearing leggings and starting to feel more confident in the whole idea. Plus, I realized that this is the closest to not wearing pants that I can legally get (I HATE wearing pants...) so being comfortable and confident is pretty awesome. I took Augie to PlayPals (which is at the city gym, they have TONS of toys for toddlers, you pay a dollar and let them loose for two hours) today and ran into Jill Paulus who is staff at Cstone. It's interesting and slightly weird for me to see them in real life, it's like seeing a teacher outside of the classroom. But that was good because I got to know her a wee bit better and it's making me work on my relational skills because I seriously lack them. Seriously.

Then we came home and made a fort. A pretty stellar one. However, because it was so cool and awesome and I was really proud of it I kind of became a grouch towards Augie who didn't understand that ripping the blankets down ruins my hard work. But it's not about me, it's about his enjoyment...bad nanny moment.

I've decided that for lent I'm not going to give something up but I'm going to try to write my Aunt Marge a letter at least 5 times a week. She is in a nursing home, doesn't get many visitors or calls and is very lonely. I pray that I not be forgotten when I'm old.

Puddles

The puddle analogy might be around for a while...I really like it. Today we had court (for CASA) and last night it snowed but then this morning it was warm(ish). So I was wearing heels, and had to park three blocks from the office, which meant walking through super cold puddles in nice heels.

Then at the end of the day, I had to walk through more muddy puddles. After CASA, I had to visit a past muddy puddle (latest ex boyfriend) and really saw him as the puddle that he was. Still a great guy, but not what Jesus wants for me.

Two days in one

I'm already a day behind...shoot. This is a reflection of what my prayer life looks like, not something I confess easily. That's a huge conviction of mine and a big goal...to have a more consistent prayer-life.

Yesterday, I decided to take the day off from pretty much everything. I was feeling WAY burnt out. I was able to make breakfast- oatmeal with frozen fruit in it- and eat it slowly. This is something simple, but I haven't really been allowing myself the simple things. Then I watched a weekend message from Cornerstone and went to Milo for quiet time by the fire. I read the small prophet books and it really showed me the power and fierceness of God. I have been making Him a fuzzy puppy, but reading about the wrath He is capable of has given me even more appreciation for Jesus. The grace that God has given me is so unbelievable! Then I was able to have a conversation with the guy I have been crushing on and the Holy Spirit revealed that I'm wasting my mind energy. I'm pretty sure this is from the retreat and Paul Sabino but I heard the analogy that Jesus is leading us up a mountain and although it's difficult we need to have faith in Jesus and trust Him. But, because we are weak humans, we lose some faith and trust and complain and get discontent and thirsty. So then we drink and play in dirty trashy puddles, while Jesus is telling us that He has clear, beautiful mountain water at the top. I realized that my past relationships and this crush are just gross, trashy puddles and Jesus desires more for me. I'm most certain that I will jump into some other muddy puddle of sorts but for now, when dealing with boy relationships, I'm going to look forward for the beautiful clear water Jesus has for me.

JUST found out- I got 50 out of 50 on my final paper for women's studies- this class was the only thing between me and graduation, and I'm pretty sure this means that I passed it. Yeah!!

Today was mostly routine, hung out with Augie, had a great time loving on him and making him goofy. Then I went to dinner with a friend who I have looked up to since I met her. She told me about a specific sin she has fallen to and it pretty much resembled my relationship with Josh and Elliot. I was so glad that I could be there to listen and also tell her my experiences and that she needed to walk away from that relationship. To be obedient to God and not be unequally yoked...I can't believe how much God has worked in my heart to get me to that point. Where I can distinctly see that sin is sin and not accept excuses that I may have given in the past. I'm by no means perfect but it's awesome to know that God is using me and my experiences!

No picture for today......but I'll give a mental one: right now I'm wearing a blue snuggie and watching Twilight with my roommates.

Angry

I am angry with Satan. I don't think I've ever really felt anger towards him, I've just always known that he was bad. But today I'm angry- I realized that my mood and apathy and regret last night were straight from him. I was feeling so confident in Jesus and who I am in His eyes, and focusing on what Paul Sabino said- that God is excited to pursue me EVERY DAY! Every minute, God wants to love and pursue me. And then all of a sudden I'm doubting and being angry. This morning I realized that this was straight from Satan- he doesn't want me to get close to God so he targeted my weaknesses. And that makes me angry. Stupid Satan.

Speaking of stupid Satan (SS), The Holy Spirit has really been showing me what chains I've put on myself with the help of SS. I've put chains on what I am allowed to wear, what looks okay with me, chains on what I deserve or shouldn't have or do- like take a nice long hot shower every once in a while. It's been difficult....dealing with self-doubt and esteem issues is no fun but I'm breaking chains. I'm wearing jeggings and skinny jeans and trying to feel confident in them. I like how they look on other people- so why can't I wear them? I can!

So SS, you listen here. Jesus is breaking the chain.

Blagh.

The reason for the no-picture-Friday was because my computer crashed. Big Boo. So today will have two. Tomorrow will have better explanations.

Friday's picture:

Saturday was Augie's birthday, so on Friday he helped make his cupcakes...however since he coughed and sneezed and stuck his fingers in all of them, they were thrown away.

Saturday's picture:

This is kind of a reflection of my mood and mindset lately thinking about graduation and the feeling of lack of true friends. I want friends that I can laugh with AND have talks about my spiritual walk who will hold me accountable...right now I feel like I have one or the other.

All Glory to God

I went to Wildwood tonight for a volunteer appreciation dinner and the entire way there and back I couldn't stop thinking about all that God has divinely lined up for me in my life. I can't even begin to put my awe into words, and the two times that I've tried I've just ended up rambling and screaming (out of excitement.) It's kind of frustrating that I can't share this feeling with others, but I'm also thinking it's pretty sweet that God and I get to have this moment together.

Tomorrow, at 2:30, I have part two of my interview process with Rawhide. Oh boy. This is all happening so quickly! Probably a good thing- God knows I get ulcers.

All of this caffeine and God-excitement is making it even MORE difficult to write my paper for feminist class that I haven't really done much for the entire semester anyway. Poop.

Picture for the day:

Obviously it's not from today, it's from a Wildwood Bounce back I went to in Dec. but this ranch has shaped me so much that I feel it's appropriate.

P.S. If you're reading this (and probably unfortunately being in my head along with me) please find time for us to hang out. I'm feeling disconnected from people.

Excitement!!

Today I had my phone interview with Rawhide, step 1 of 3 of the application process. They seem to have a really good vibe about me, and even slipped up in accidentally calling me a staff, rather than a candidate (!!!!) So now that I've sent in the 14 pages of paperwork I had to fill out, (and learned how to use a fax machine in the process) I will now have a conference call with ALL of the board members for another interview. That part is a little more intimidating, but today I felt very prepared (by God's glory only) and spoke without thinking (also God's glory that I didn't destroy it.) I simply feel confident that God has prepared me so well for this position and I'm so excited to be a part of what Rawhide does.

I've always realized recently that I need to do better at being relational and staying in touch with people that are important to me. I know that my schedule is crazy but I can't be selfish....I need to be able to have the ability to balance work and friends because without my friends I don't have that fellowship to help me grow. I'm becoming rather secluded to the people I work with, which include Steve from CASA and a two year old. But how much sleep do I sacrifice? Or what else do I need to sacrifice that I'm just using to fill time that I could be using engaging with people? Something for me to ponder on for sure.

Today's picture:

The sunset that I saw driving home from CASA. After a slightly long day, I was driving home and saw this amazingness. The reality was more pink than the color shows but I had to drive all the way to the end of town onto a gravel road, but it was a great end to a day filled with joy and God's glory. I'm definitely learning that the more I open my eyes to God and the more I delve into His word the more He's exposing Himself to me- excitement just seems to be overflowing in my heart all the time!

Beautiful Tuesday

Tuesday's are pretty much my favorite day of this semester. I work with Augie from 8-5 and then the rest of the night is mine! I try to spend it relaxing, cooking or catching up on errands, but I mostly try to cut off communication from the world. This is the first time in my collegiate career that I've intentionally set apart an evening for rest and myself- it's a pretty big deal.

Today, it was about 50 degrees and there's no snow, so Augie and I went to Ledges State Park and he loved it! He loves to be outdoors and is such a sponge of information, it's so cool to watch him experience things for the first time. It makes me excited to be a mom and have these moments over and over again (in the future!) We spent almost two hours walking, running, crunching leaves and snow, and throwing sticks and rocks in the water and watching them rush away. He was astonished by all of this and it makes me realize how much we take for granted- all of this is God's beautiful creation- we should constantly be awed! The picture of the day of course comes from my time with Augie:

I caught him mid-throw of a rock

Okay...I couldn't put just one! Here he's in simple awe of the combination of water and ice creating a 'tunnel' for the sticks to go under

Last night at our Beth study she was talking about when Jesus spoke to the disciples He took them up to the mountain, He brought them to a different place than their surroundings. When Jesus showed some of his divinity with Moses and Elijah (Luke 9) Peter desperately wanted to make a shelter on the mountain and stay there, it was perfect and comfortable! But Jesus (and a cloud of God) said that that's not enough, that they needed to return to the valley. I almost had to laugh when she said that because I realized that Ames has been my mountain. Overall, things are comfortable and God has shown and taught me more than I could imagine and of course I want to stay here, but I need to return to the valley of Clintonville and bring all that He's equipped me with where it's needed.

The past few weeks have just been so incredibly exciting because I feel that it has been drenched in God's glory.....now I need to work on letting that overflow in my interactions with others. I definitely struggle with confidence in evangelism (ugh. stupid struggles.)

Until tomorrow, happy Tuesday!