I think I've decided that a goal of mine is to blog a picture that represents something in my day, every day until say....................my birthday. June 15. I'm going to work on one that represents today right now.....stay posted

The video that represents my day:

Remember those frogs that would jump? Well, my day at the office was pretty bland and I had 32 ounces of coffee, so I found myself a more dangerous version of the toy!

Puzzle Pieces

So many things in my head all at once that I can't even take it. So we're going to break it down piece by piece, and it will most likely be incredibly scattered.

Piece #1

I was able to talk with Rawhide a couple of days ago and have an official phone interview THIS Weds at 1:00. Oh boy. I'm hoping to not screw it up, I have been praying like crazy that God void me of myself and speak through me.

Piece # 1.5

On Friday, the same day I spoke with Rawhide, I found out that Brandon (abusive ex-boyfriend from high school) got married at a court house and his now wife is pregnant. According to him, and I'm sure she isn't aware of this, but he figures it would be cheaper to marry her than to pay child support. After reflecting on this I've realized how much God has saved me and changed my life and the importance of being obedient to God. My first real and intentional step of obedience to God was listening and coming to ISU. If I hadn't made that move, I probably wouldn't have gotten out of that relationship when I did, and I have no idea where my life would be. God has given me so many opportunities to be obedient (many that I have passed up ashamedly) but the ones I have taken have brought me to this incredible place!

• I listened and went to Salt Company- was able to identify my relationship as abuse and that God doesn't want me to be treated that way.
• While at Salt Company, I learned about Wildwood Hills Ranch
• Listened and went to Wildwood. Turns out that Wildwood is modeled after Rawhide.
• Had my heart drastically changed for the wounded and hurting children that I believe Jesus weeps over.
• Listened to God's beckoning my heart to check out Rawhide. Although I didn't want to return to WI, I told God okay.
• Toured Rawhide, still with an extremely hesitant and barely willing heart.
• With bitterness, I accepted not getting the internship to work for the Buddenhagen's and instead being with CASA- which has so far taught me about court and those processes that will be helpful at Rawhide.
• Deciding to nanny for $5 rather than pick up hours at the hotel for $8. God has given me so much joy and balance with my nannying position and I would have most likely fallen into a pit being at the hotel that many days a week.
• Listened to God and checked out the church down the road, and I felt like I fit in.

There are so many things that I feel God has divinely lined up for me to be in a place like Rawhide and learn so much. I am trying to remember that I am not entitled to anything and all that God gives me is a gift, but I really want this job. My heart aches and longs for it.

Piece #2

There's this guy that I have had a crush on from a distance since my freshman year of college. It wasn't until last semester that I actually spoke to him, and now this semester we've had random and unintentional chances to hang out and talk. I don't know how to handle this crush because it has no foundation or depth and I don't like how it consumes so many of my thoughts. While having my quiet time I read Proverbs 28:19 which says "he who works his land will have abundant food but the one who chases fantasies will have his fill of poverty." With this crush I'm just chasing fantasy, I want to be focused on my relationship with Jesus and deepening that!! I have the knowledge that I should surrender this pseudo-relationship with this guy to God but I feel like I'm surrendering my thoughts every second because I can't not think about this guy!

Piece #3

This past weekend I kind of got accidentally drunk. I say kind of because I'm the one that poured the drink, however I drank it much faster than planned, thus becoming drunk. This isn't a lifestyle that I want to have- it's my way of avoiding my feelings and I'm not trusting God in those moments. I woke up the next morning thinking about the story of Noah being passed out drunk and naked. I felt so ashamed with myself. I need to confess it to someone, but don't want to. That's the stinky part of confessing, it's no fun. But that's the point, and that's what shame is.

Proverbs 28:13- "He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy"

Piece #4

My best friend Josh and I ended an 8 year long friendship. He and I have been through a lot together, and he's the first person I wanted to call when I found out about Brandon because he was the only friend from home that was involved in my life and really helped me break free. After the break up with Brandon, Josh and I went down a sinful path that I am now ashamed of but he's just always been a comfort having been through 8 years of my life. However, with my work with CASA, I realized that the only difference between a lot of the cases we're serving and Josh and his daughter is that the cases we serve have gotten caught. He has this beautiful daughter and he's addicted to drugs, alcohol and sex. Her mother (not together with Josh) is also addicted to these things. It breaks my heart to think of this little girl and the poor role models she has, and once I put these things together I realized that I couldn't stand by and watch this happen, and there is nothing that I can personally do to change the situation. So I had to walk away. I know that this should be a weight off of my shoulders but I miss my friend dearly. And frankly, I think I miss knowing that I was a light in his life, even though I was being a hypocrite much of the time. I'm beginning to see God's glory in my distancing (to not be unequally yoked) and this may be to each of our benefits, but God's glory isn't always a warm fuzzy feeling.

Piece #5

I miss my puppy. Not having him here is making me deal with feelings that I'm generally uncomfortable with.

Piece #6

I'm saddened by Chuck's unbelief in Jesus and his hardened heart every time I play with Augie. He is so much like what Chuck used to be like when he was little: he loves trains and Thomas the tank engine, he's funny, loving, caring and silly. I miss my baby brother. I don't see my brother in this person he has become- angry, mean, hurting inside, bitter and all together unpleasant for me to be around. I don't know how to interact with him anymore without being hurt or pained. Having these feelings I can't imagine my parent's heartache over Chuck walking away. Even more God's broken heart. I'm grateful that I can have these feelings and have a minute feeling for God's heart but it's just awful.

Calling vs. Task

Reading my Beth Moore study for the day (I strongly encourage everyone to do one of her studies....God has used it to teach me so much already!) she talks about followers having a calling, and people believe that their occupation is God's calling for them (like being called to ministry) and then she made a good point. Our calling is to surrender ourselves to God, our occupation or the things we do during our lifetime are tasks that He gives us, but first we must be surrendered to Him. This really struck my heart now that I'm looking for employment and I have a strong feeling in my heart of what task God wants me to be doing, but that's not my calling and if I am surrendered to Him, he will guide, protect and use me no matter what profession I am in.

Another encouraging thing was about being in the word daily. She used the analogy of being in a class. She said 'we can't keep skipping class and expect to know when He's scheduled a field trip!' How can we discern His next task for us if we're not willing to be with Him and learn about Him more?

That's my food for thought, my focus for the day. I hope you have a great Thursday!

February 23.2011

My verse for today:

2 Chronicles 7:14-15...

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place.

How good is God!

Humility is definitely something that I struggle with. To be humble enough to ask for help. To be humble enough to admit my wrongs. To be humble enough to admit my sin and ask forgiveness. To be humble enough to allow myself imperfections and become comfortable with those. God has shown me my lack of humility especially this semester and although it is difficult to realize this I am so thankful. I desire to be a godly woman and I have been slapped in the face with how I need to be more obedient. Through God's grace I have been forgiven of my sins that I repent, but God and I desire to have a personal relationship with each other, so that Jesus recognizes my face when I'm in heaven and does not turn me away. (Matthew 7:21-23) Obedience leads to a deeper relationship because love and obedience go hand in hand.

I pray that tomorrow I be able to humble myself, pray and seek the face of the Lord. That I not find other things to busy up my schedule to avoid doing my bible readings or read my Beth Moore study. I don't understand why I do it- after I feel so fulfilled and rewarded....why do I avoid it?!

I can't wait to see Augie's smiling face in the morning, I love how excited he is to see me and play all day. I love that we can sit across the room from each other and giggle non-stop for 5 mins. I love this two year old with so much of my heart.

Struggling with Doubt

As the title states, tonight I'm really struggling with doubt and trust. Earlier this semester I really felt that God was calling me to work at Rawhide Ranch in WI and eventually God led my heart to love this idea and today I officially submitted my resume. Once I hit submit and got the confirmation email from them it's just been downhill. I realized that if I don't get this job, I either chose to not go towards my dream career and stay in WI or I leave WI again to find a job elsewhere because Rawhide is the only program in WI that has this specific type of belief system. I know in my head that I should feel confident in my skills and experiences and that I am being obedient and no matter what happens God will provide and take care of me, but right now I feel like an emotional wreck and tonight my heart is taking over.

I think what is most unsettling to me with this is that while I was thinking about the future and becoming comfortable with the idea of moving back, I was in control of all of that. But now that I've sent the resume, as of right now I've done all that I can- it's no longer in my hands.

God is speaking!

This weekend was so filled with God's grace and answered prayers that I can't even take it. But first, I will give you a health update:

I sat in the specialist's waiting room for about an hour and a half. Then I sat in his exam room for about twenty minutes. Then the specialist came in and told me that because the mass in my lungs hasn't changed from Sept to Jan they are going to assume that nothing is wrong until it changes. Apparently there are different harmless fungi in different parts of the country, especially in Iowa, Wisconsin and Arizona that could be causing this. Since I've been in all of these areas in the past year, I'm not too worried. Now the DR wants me to get a CT scan every 6 months for the next 2 years but after talking to my parents I don't think we will be doing that because they are expensive (about $3000) and put your body through a lot of radiation and kill women's eggs. Mainly, it's too risky for me to be told that there is nothing wrong with me. So praise God for not bad news!

This weekend I went home to Clintonville (WI) and in the past this has been pretty difficult for me because there aren't many strong believers there and I frequently feel temptation to revert back to the person I was a couple of years ago and drink, gossip and just not be a good person or reflection of Jesus. Also, I've sort of given up hope on Clintonville in thinking that they could thrive as believers and be a forward moving community, rather than drinking and having sex pretty consistently. About a month ago I was praying for Jesus to show me at least in what part of the country I should pursue a career and He simply told me to go back home. After praying about it and knowing that I didn't want to go because it was uncomfortable there and it's comfortable in Ames, I told God that I will obey Him in this, but I needed help in changing my heart towards all of it. Here's the answered prayer part!: I was driving home and all of a sudden realized that I am tired of being distant, emotionally, spiritually and physically, from my family and I'm ready to be more near than I ever have been. Then, I reconnected with a friend from elementary school on Saturday and was able to talk to her about God, heaven and Jesus and bounce some questions off of her and answer questions she's had for a very long time. She hasn't really committed her life yet- she's still very chained to her sins but I'm glad to know that God is using me to answer her questions. On Sunday, I decided to go to a church that I haven't been to since 8th grade, assuming that it was going to be a church that follows tradition and rituals and assuming that I wouldn't get much out of it. (This is where God gets really crafty) The message was titled: Evangelizing to Clintonville. Granted the service was a little hokey but God was really speaking there, the pastor was speaking from the Bible and really convicted my heart that I can share at Clintonville and it is my duty to do so.

A couple of other things happened that weekend that have really gotten me excited about what's to come post graduation. Please pray that I prepare myself, emotionally and spiritually and gain the knowledge that God has given me through His word so that I can be confident in Him and myself.

Today, I was talking church to Steve (my boss at CASA) and he is a pastor and goes to Collegiate Presbyterian (the one that kicked me out) and we got into a pretty big argument. He was saying that Cstone isn't good because they tell people 'it's our way or you go to hell' and I asked him what that meant? I continued to say do you mean it's you believe in Jesus as your Lord and savior or you go to hell? Because that IS biblically true. Then he started saying that that is a heavily loaded theology question and we weren't going to discuss it and walked out of the room......now it's just awkward. And I don't know if this is a positive or negative, but Cassi was present for that entire conversation. I wasn't angry or confrontational but he was...he got very flushed/agitated. B- thanks for the book excerpt, this seems pretty relevant right here to.

Sorry it's so long, I just have so many good God things to say!