Disgusted

Tonight I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I am a manipulative, negative and selfish person. Last week, I asked a girl from my connection group to hang out because I don't feel super close to her and want to. So we scheduled to hang out for tonight, and I told her that I would make her dinner.Then we went to visit a friend at work (coffee shop) and she told me that she didn't have any money with her and explained her financial situation. So I bought her coffee (while flinching and whining and worrying and complaining inside). I thought that after coffee that would be the end of our hanging out after I brought her home and then I could go out to the bars with a few friends and hang out with them (other friend isn't 21). While we're having coffee, friend asks to go watch a movie (in my head I was not happy, but I tried to pretend to. I'm pretty sure I did an awful job). I suggest we go to redbox and see what they have, while on the way to Walgreens I ask if she wants to see any of the dollar theater movies- Tangled was the choice. I buy the tickets, and am grumbling inside because they cost $7 because it was in 3D and I didn't know that it was in 3D and was wearing my glasses and had to pay for ANOTHER thing. Oh, and while we were waiting for the movie to start I suggest we go to Walgreens and buy candy. Then in my head I got upset when she ate my candy. Heaven forbid she eat my $1 candy that I offered to her!

I don't want to be this way! I don't want to be upset that I spent money on someone other than myself. I hate it. I'm so disgusted right now. Especially since only a few days ago I was saying I wanted to improve my relational skills- HELLO?!?! On the way home, tonight I spent just as much (if not less) than I did driving back and forth to Des Moines for the retreat, which I did for fellowship purposes. I just don't understand why I am so burdened by this, and even now, when I see the idiocy, hypocrisy and ridiculousness in all of it I still can't stop thinking about it in a negative light. I should be overjoyed that I was able to share what God has given me with others!

I am so grateful that Jesus came for my sins and God did so out of love. I would never make it.








Because I told myself that I would try to post a picture every day, I'm going to change gears because the picture is super cute and precious, and not at all disgusting like my selfishness. Augie and I walked to the horses by Freddy Court this afternoon and he was a total champ!