Long awaited week

Since February I have been looking forward to this week because it is my Rawhide interview/stay. I am feeling so many things. My mind is anxious/freaking out, my heart is at peace. I feel it's a war between God (my heart) and the world (my mind) where the world keeps telling me that this isn't going to work out and I need a back up plan and I'm too confident. But I really feel God telling me this is it. BAHHH!

Big Girl Time!

I graduated this weekend! Cassi (who I've been in many classes and interned with) and I sat next to each other and walked together. It still hasn't sunk in that I am currently done with school. This chapter of my life is closing and I'm moving forward. I honestly don't think it will hit until August when many of my friends start up school again and I will be working. This is a complete shift in my life routine....weird!

My entire family came to graduation and that was really touching that they put forth that much effort (it became a huge headache for everyone) but having them in town filled my heart with much peace. And my friends Greg and Drew came unexpectedly as well as Brian, Caitlin, Craig and a few others. It was almost a surprise as to how much support I felt, and then I got a little overwhelmed being the center of attention.

After graduation, my parents took out the Marr's and the Johnson's and I thought it was pretty cool to watch essentially my three families combine and interact. It was a good time. When the Johnson's left (the girls were READY to go) Mike (Augie's dad) said that he felt that a mini tornado just tore through...mostly true. I think I'm going to miss Ames a lot.

Monday Monday

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had all semester....I'll even stretch to say all year....and this is why!

• I slept until noon, without waking up to an alarm!
• I made pancakes for the first time that were delicious!
• I received my tax refund check in the mail!
• I received a postcard from Valerie in the mail!
• I received pictures from my mom of Marne in the mail!
• I went to a Reilly concert!
• I got to catch up with a dear friend at the concert (Bettina!!!!!)
• I found out that a friend passed onto her roommate a prayer request for my health and that she was praying for me, and that was a really awesome and incredible feeling!
• I got to pass on the news that their prayers were answered!
• I ate coconut cream pie!
• I went to bed early!

Pictures from the concert:

Megan, Rachel Reed, Me, Dana McKeever, Bettina Khanthongdy

Me and Bettina- she is such a ray of sunshine!

Bettina, Dan (from Reilly), me, Rachel

I Wonder if He Knows

I wonder if he knows how much I miss him.
I wonder if he knows how much his statements hurt.
I wonder if he knows I'm praying for him daily.
I wonder if he knows how much his disbelief angers me.
I wonder if he knows how much I want him to talk to me.
I wonder if he knows how badly I want him at graduation.
I wonder if he knows my heart aches for him.
I wonder if he knows I don't like him.
I wonder if he knows I reminisce about the old him.
I wonder if he knows that I used to look up to him as a role model.
I wonder if he knows I cherish him.
I wonder if he knows his angry rants make me roll my eyes.
I wonder if he knows his angry rants are pushing people away.
I wonder if he knows his angry rants are making me stronger in my faith.
I wonder if he knows how disconnected he and I have become.
I wonder if he knows how many people are praying for him.
I wonder if he knows people aren't going to give up.
I wonder if he knows I love him dearly.

Learning...

I have to keep this part pretty brief and slightly non-informational, but now that my internship is wrapping up I have really learned about what kind of supervisor/employer/employee/co-worker I do and don't want to be. And my statements aren't always the negative of my experience, I have seen both positive and negative in my boss. So in reflection, here goes a little bit that I've gathered:

• I want to do things out of a Jesus-like heart, not one that is driven by money or things of this world
• I want to try to never speak negatively about the people I serve. Even if it's joking, it's unacceptable and tactless.
• I want to always be driven to work my hardest because the people I hope to serve deserve the best.
• I pray that I will always rely on Jesus and surrender it all at the cross.
• I want to be in fellowship with people that can hold me accountable in all aspects of my work.
• I want to be organized.
• I want to be timely.
• I want to never put my work before my family (if I were to pick, right now I foresee this being my biggest struggle)
• I want to keep an open mind to new ideas and be willing to change 

A couple of other updates in my life:

• I joined an intramural softball team and thought it would not a lot of fun (I remember gym class in HS being AWFUL) but the guys and girls on our team are simply great. We won our first three games and get to move on, and nobody got frustrated or mad about my lack of skill, but just having fun and laughing it off. This has been a great test of my willingness to form relationships, bonds and pride in myself.

Our official softball team (left to right: B Stone, Brittney Bunce, Megan McFarland, me, Nicole Milliron, Rachel Reed, Drew Atkinson, Greg Kufahl, Matt Pruss, Kris Maley)

• I hung out with B and her neighbors (softball guys) last night and it was one of those situations where I was invited, knew I would have fun once I got there, but just didn't want to go. So I called my mom and told her about it and she convinced me to at least stop by; I got there at 7 pm and didn't get home until 3 am. Needless to say I had lots of fun. The guys grilled (and had vegetables and fruit and cole slaw and potato salad along with brats and hot dogs...they knew what they were doing!), we played bags (another first time thing) and then played sardines and 'bloody murder' around Freddy Court all night. It was so much fun to get back in touch with my inner middle schooler and run around for hours. Then we all cuddled up and watched 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"- not the classiest of shows and I probably won't watch it by myself but I didn't choose it. Now the guys are going to come to Salt with us and the hypnotist after (it's VEISHEA week!) It's just amazing to me how quickly bonds can be formed when I'm willing to let down my guard.
• I applied for a job at Woodward Academy, which is a treatment facility for juvenile boys that have committed crimes. I thought about working there this summer to get a little experience, and they offered me a position however as soon as she offered it I just didn't get a joy or peace in my heart. Thinking about it, I think that I'm going to turn the offer down because their philosophy doesn't mix with mine, and if I do get a job at Rawhide (where I can easily jump in with both feet) I don't want to burn myself out from this work because I'm frustrated at Woodward. So the employment search continues...however thinking worldly and remembering the pay, resume building, and 'perks' it's difficult to walk away. Praying that I keep my eyes focused on Jesus.
• A couple weeks ago Cody Cline spoke at salt and asked 'what do you need to stay passionate for Jesus?" Before I could process he answered "Jesus! You don't need Cornerstone, or Salt or your connection groups. So when you think about going to your hometown small church don't think you're going to lose Jesus." This was super encouraging and affirming that I'm going to be okay and Jesus will still be burning a fire in my heart.
• I miss home.
• I don't want to focus on missing home because I know I'm leaving here soon, but my heart is aching.

Answered Prayers

Ever have one of those moments where you realize that God has answered a prayer that you've been praying for a really long time? And then realizing that you REALLY didn't want it answered? That's how I've been feeling for the past 3 hours.

In the past, when fellow-believers would talk to me about having an aching heart for the unbelievers, I just couldn't 'get' it. I wanted to have that heart, I wanted to ache to spread the Kingdom and to feel compassion for those who don't believe. However, I think that in my selfish heart, I wanted my heart to ache for those that were far away, in another country....not my brother. Not my best friends.

All day today Charlie has been on my mind. I'm not calling him Chuck because I simply don't like Chuck, the one that is mean and angry, I like Charlie, the little boy who I called one of my best friends when I was little. My mental pictures of him were rolling all day with a few videoclips in between and my heart aches. My heart cries when I think of my brother. Then at Salt Company we were singing songs about how Jesus is our Savior, our Redeemer and other amazing songs and all I could think was that Charlie can't sing those with the joy that I can. He can't sing those with peace and rejoicing and feeling complete because he is choosing to walk away. Then I thought of Valerie and Josh and a lot of people back home and the ripples just continued. I don't know how to go about dealing with this.......the selfish part of me wants to plead with God to take this feeling back. To unhear my prayers and cover up this ache for me.

No Blogging...

I haven't blogged for a while, and I don't really want to quite yet.