Disgusted

Tonight I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I am a manipulative, negative and selfish person. Last week, I asked a girl from my connection group to hang out because I don't feel super close to her and want to. So we scheduled to hang out for tonight, and I told her that I would make her dinner.Then we went to visit a friend at work (coffee shop) and she told me that she didn't have any money with her and explained her financial situation. So I bought her coffee (while flinching and whining and worrying and complaining inside). I thought that after coffee that would be the end of our hanging out after I brought her home and then I could go out to the bars with a few friends and hang out with them (other friend isn't 21). While we're having coffee, friend asks to go watch a movie (in my head I was not happy, but I tried to pretend to. I'm pretty sure I did an awful job). I suggest we go to redbox and see what they have, while on the way to Walgreens I ask if she wants to see any of the dollar theater movies- Tangled was the choice. I buy the tickets, and am grumbling inside because they cost $7 because it was in 3D and I didn't know that it was in 3D and was wearing my glasses and had to pay for ANOTHER thing. Oh, and while we were waiting for the movie to start I suggest we go to Walgreens and buy candy. Then in my head I got upset when she ate my candy. Heaven forbid she eat my $1 candy that I offered to her!

I don't want to be this way! I don't want to be upset that I spent money on someone other than myself. I hate it. I'm so disgusted right now. Especially since only a few days ago I was saying I wanted to improve my relational skills- HELLO?!?! On the way home, tonight I spent just as much (if not less) than I did driving back and forth to Des Moines for the retreat, which I did for fellowship purposes. I just don't understand why I am so burdened by this, and even now, when I see the idiocy, hypocrisy and ridiculousness in all of it I still can't stop thinking about it in a negative light. I should be overjoyed that I was able to share what God has given me with others!

I am so grateful that Jesus came for my sins and God did so out of love. I would never make it.








Because I told myself that I would try to post a picture every day, I'm going to change gears because the picture is super cute and precious, and not at all disgusting like my selfishness. Augie and I walked to the horses by Freddy Court this afternoon and he was a total champ!

Choking Hazard

After a very long, awful day filled with sad emotions and children with sad stories, I choked on a penny. It was on the inside of my inhaler and I inhaled the penny...I'm glad I know how to give myself the heimlich. It was incredibly scary and my throat is still a little rough feeling.

Unresearched Questions

I've been pondering this since last night, and I haven't gone to Scripture yet to figure it out, and I know that if I go to Scripture God will answer, but I'm human and slightly stubborn, so I think I'm going to ponder a little longer.

In my women's bible study, somebody mentioned that when we get to heaven we will be presented with two types of books: the book of life, which if we are a believer, our name will be written in it and we'll be saved. Then there's the book of sins we have committed. Ever. Every single thing. And we are going to be judged on that and held accountable to all of that. But then doesn't that conflict with what Jesus did? The blood stained cross washing away my sins and turning them from crimson to white as snow? And what about God forgiving and forgetting as soon as we ask for such?

Is this a one or the other answer or the two of them are intertwined? I'm confused. I need to go to scripture with this. 

Todays picture is a picture of my bedroom.

 It is cluttered, and that's only half of it. Admittedly, I've always been a cluttered person, but now it's driving me crazy. My car is cluttered. My trunk is cluttered. My kitchen. My bathroom. My living room. My bedroom. My bookshelf. My bag that I carry everything around in. My purse. My life. I long for the time and energy for when I can de-clutter everything. I can't do it over a few days...I'm an all-or-nothing cleaner. If I stop I won't finish and I'll be back to clutter. If it weren't 12:10 and I didn't have to be up at 6 I would look for symbolism in this and how it relates to my relationship with God and others...

Absolutely Appalled

I was on my way to the post office and turned the corner to find a child in this window-well...or vent-well:

There was another child on the outside, holding a coat down, trying to pull his brother up and out of well. While taking in the scene of everything, I noticed a rather tall (at least 6 foot) and fit man watching this scenario while having a conversation, and at least 5 or 6 people walk into the post office ignoring these children! I just don't understand how you could possibly turn a blind eye to a CHILD being in this space, obviously not going to get out on his own or with his brothers help and go about your day! I walked over and asked if they needed help (of course they did) and we worked together to get him out. It took 30 seconds. All of those people were too busy to give 30 seconds to a child they could visibly see needed help.

Maybe I'm a little more razzed over this than normal because I JUST returned from court dealing with a case that makes me weep inside, but this is not okay. We need to refocus our society. Yes those kids were dumb to be down there, but kids are dumb- we're adults, we're supposed to be there to give assistance, not be the dumb ones.

Lazy Sunday Afternoon

Today was a lazy Sunday. Aside from working until 1:30, I pretty much spent the entire day getting Valerie's birthday package together and watching One Tree Hill. I know that I could have been productive but it was nice to simply relax.

Road Rage

On my way home from work I got flipped off. This was the first time I've ever gotten flipped off, and I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was following behind them with a safe distance in between us and not making funny faces. When this person flipped me off their face was so angry, and I just don't understand why you would exert so much energy into being angry toward a person you'll probably never see again.




This was the sunset Julia and I saw when walking together. I'm so grateful that God gave me this image before I had my job with Julia ended. He knows my needs so well.

Here's the deal

Here's the deal with Thursdays, and why I skipped yet another day. On Thursday nights, I stay at the Johnson's. They have a nice cozy bed and a dog that likes to snuggle (there are other reasons as to why I don't stay at my own apartment those nights but those details aren't particularly important). Downside being- they have WiFi but no idea what the password is, so I can't use my computer at their house and I generally like to blog at the end of the day. It's a poor excuse I know, but I'm going to use it.

Today is a good day. I'm wearing leggings and starting to feel more confident in the whole idea. Plus, I realized that this is the closest to not wearing pants that I can legally get (I HATE wearing pants...) so being comfortable and confident is pretty awesome. I took Augie to PlayPals (which is at the city gym, they have TONS of toys for toddlers, you pay a dollar and let them loose for two hours) today and ran into Jill Paulus who is staff at Cstone. It's interesting and slightly weird for me to see them in real life, it's like seeing a teacher outside of the classroom. But that was good because I got to know her a wee bit better and it's making me work on my relational skills because I seriously lack them. Seriously.

Then we came home and made a fort. A pretty stellar one. However, because it was so cool and awesome and I was really proud of it I kind of became a grouch towards Augie who didn't understand that ripping the blankets down ruins my hard work. But it's not about me, it's about his enjoyment...bad nanny moment.

I've decided that for lent I'm not going to give something up but I'm going to try to write my Aunt Marge a letter at least 5 times a week. She is in a nursing home, doesn't get many visitors or calls and is very lonely. I pray that I not be forgotten when I'm old.