February 23.2011

My verse for today:

2 Chronicles 7:14-15...

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place.

How good is God!

Humility is definitely something that I struggle with. To be humble enough to ask for help. To be humble enough to admit my wrongs. To be humble enough to admit my sin and ask forgiveness. To be humble enough to allow myself imperfections and become comfortable with those. God has shown me my lack of humility especially this semester and although it is difficult to realize this I am so thankful. I desire to be a godly woman and I have been slapped in the face with how I need to be more obedient. Through God's grace I have been forgiven of my sins that I repent, but God and I desire to have a personal relationship with each other, so that Jesus recognizes my face when I'm in heaven and does not turn me away. (Matthew 7:21-23) Obedience leads to a deeper relationship because love and obedience go hand in hand.

I pray that tomorrow I be able to humble myself, pray and seek the face of the Lord. That I not find other things to busy up my schedule to avoid doing my bible readings or read my Beth Moore study. I don't understand why I do it- after I feel so fulfilled and rewarded....why do I avoid it?!

I can't wait to see Augie's smiling face in the morning, I love how excited he is to see me and play all day. I love that we can sit across the room from each other and giggle non-stop for 5 mins. I love this two year old with so much of my heart.

Struggling with Doubt

As the title states, tonight I'm really struggling with doubt and trust. Earlier this semester I really felt that God was calling me to work at Rawhide Ranch in WI and eventually God led my heart to love this idea and today I officially submitted my resume. Once I hit submit and got the confirmation email from them it's just been downhill. I realized that if I don't get this job, I either chose to not go towards my dream career and stay in WI or I leave WI again to find a job elsewhere because Rawhide is the only program in WI that has this specific type of belief system. I know in my head that I should feel confident in my skills and experiences and that I am being obedient and no matter what happens God will provide and take care of me, but right now I feel like an emotional wreck and tonight my heart is taking over.

I think what is most unsettling to me with this is that while I was thinking about the future and becoming comfortable with the idea of moving back, I was in control of all of that. But now that I've sent the resume, as of right now I've done all that I can- it's no longer in my hands.

God is speaking!

This weekend was so filled with God's grace and answered prayers that I can't even take it. But first, I will give you a health update:

I sat in the specialist's waiting room for about an hour and a half. Then I sat in his exam room for about twenty minutes. Then the specialist came in and told me that because the mass in my lungs hasn't changed from Sept to Jan they are going to assume that nothing is wrong until it changes. Apparently there are different harmless fungi in different parts of the country, especially in Iowa, Wisconsin and Arizona that could be causing this. Since I've been in all of these areas in the past year, I'm not too worried. Now the DR wants me to get a CT scan every 6 months for the next 2 years but after talking to my parents I don't think we will be doing that because they are expensive (about $3000) and put your body through a lot of radiation and kill women's eggs. Mainly, it's too risky for me to be told that there is nothing wrong with me. So praise God for not bad news!

This weekend I went home to Clintonville (WI) and in the past this has been pretty difficult for me because there aren't many strong believers there and I frequently feel temptation to revert back to the person I was a couple of years ago and drink, gossip and just not be a good person or reflection of Jesus. Also, I've sort of given up hope on Clintonville in thinking that they could thrive as believers and be a forward moving community, rather than drinking and having sex pretty consistently. About a month ago I was praying for Jesus to show me at least in what part of the country I should pursue a career and He simply told me to go back home. After praying about it and knowing that I didn't want to go because it was uncomfortable there and it's comfortable in Ames, I told God that I will obey Him in this, but I needed help in changing my heart towards all of it. Here's the answered prayer part!: I was driving home and all of a sudden realized that I am tired of being distant, emotionally, spiritually and physically, from my family and I'm ready to be more near than I ever have been. Then, I reconnected with a friend from elementary school on Saturday and was able to talk to her about God, heaven and Jesus and bounce some questions off of her and answer questions she's had for a very long time. She hasn't really committed her life yet- she's still very chained to her sins but I'm glad to know that God is using me to answer her questions. On Sunday, I decided to go to a church that I haven't been to since 8th grade, assuming that it was going to be a church that follows tradition and rituals and assuming that I wouldn't get much out of it. (This is where God gets really crafty) The message was titled: Evangelizing to Clintonville. Granted the service was a little hokey but God was really speaking there, the pastor was speaking from the Bible and really convicted my heart that I can share at Clintonville and it is my duty to do so.

A couple of other things happened that weekend that have really gotten me excited about what's to come post graduation. Please pray that I prepare myself, emotionally and spiritually and gain the knowledge that God has given me through His word so that I can be confident in Him and myself.

Today, I was talking church to Steve (my boss at CASA) and he is a pastor and goes to Collegiate Presbyterian (the one that kicked me out) and we got into a pretty big argument. He was saying that Cstone isn't good because they tell people 'it's our way or you go to hell' and I asked him what that meant? I continued to say do you mean it's you believe in Jesus as your Lord and savior or you go to hell? Because that IS biblically true. Then he started saying that that is a heavily loaded theology question and we weren't going to discuss it and walked out of the room......now it's just awkward. And I don't know if this is a positive or negative, but Cassi was present for that entire conversation. I wasn't angry or confrontational but he was...he got very flushed/agitated. B- thanks for the book excerpt, this seems pretty relevant right here to.

Sorry it's so long, I just have so many good God things to say!

Updates

Since my last post I have:

1. Finished my last semester of classes on the ISU campus. It's the best I've ever done with the least amount of work, yay?

2. Started a dating relationship with a non-believer.

3. Ended a dating relationship. Turns out that Jesus is right when he says to not be unequally yoked, but I needed to figure this out in my own time and have now surrendered my relationships with boys to God. It's difficult for me to remember but I realized that if I can't share what's most important to me with who I'm dating it's not fair for either one of us. He was a really great guy though and through that relationship God has shown me what I want in my future husband. I do regret not speaking to him about what a relationship with God looks like, but that is something that I can learn from.

4. Started my internship at CASA and in two weeks I have been in court, doing home visits, reading court documents and writing documents to be sent to court.

5. Started nannying an adorable two year old. I'm spending about 30 hours a week with this child and I'm really beginning to love him a lot. He's adorable, hilarious and incredibly smart. I hope that I can feel the amount of love for him that I felt for the kids at Wildwood.

6. Found out that I have a large mass in my lungs that's about the size of my heart. The doctors have confessed to me that I am the 'mystery patient' and they still don't know if it's dangerous or just something that is abnormal. I'm a little worried and wishing I had some definitive answers- either good or bad- but I trust that God will be faithful and use this as a way to further His kingdom.

Today is an 8

Today is definitely a strong 8 on the great day scale.

Nothing absolutely life changing has happened. There were no huge surprises or wonderful, magical things, everything has just been good.

The sun was shining. My phone picked out all good songs for me to walk to class and listen to. I had a full pot of coffee in my system before noon and I remembered to grab some snacks to have for the day. Along with having little things brighten my day I randomly ran into two friends today that I normally don't get to see. AND, my curls turned out fantastically pretty.

I'm especially looking forward to babysitting tonight and walking into the house knowing that I have a 3 year old waiting to give me a hug. I will continue to swear by it, 3 year olds seriously give the best hugs in the world!

Today is an 8. Hopefully tomorrow won't disappoint.

Throwing out the stale

With my broken cartilage hurting tonight, I wasn't able to participate in worship at Salt Co. as I normally do but I think that was a blessing from God. For the first time in a while, I was able to stop and simply watch others be completely joyful, uninhibited and blissful in their precious moments with Jesus. I couldn't stop myself from smiling in just watching them. But why does watching someone else be so wrapped up in worship bring me so much joy? So much joy that a crazy smile comes across my face and I have goosebumps? I think it is that watching them is so inspiring and....blissful! It's like watching a child bask in the warm summer sun and doing whatever brings them joy. Tonight brought worship back to my heart, where I wasn't singing the words that I know, even though I do sing them to God, I think that stopping and looking around made them sink into my heart even more. I pray that God dwell in places of my heart that I have closed off or don't even realize are there, I want all of me on fire for Him and for Him to be new and fresh in my eyes daily. I don't want to become stale and flat in my faith, I've had enough of that.

Protection from the Hawks

A little less than a year ago there was someone's pet bunny running around outside of our apartment building and I thought, 'Wow, that's really sad. That bunny will never make it in the outside world' and thought for sure he would be dead within days. Today on a walk with Marne, I saw the bunny in somebody else's yard and couldn't believe that he was still around! He made it through the awful winter, the flooding, hot weather, and every predator imaginable. This made me begin to ponder, if this simple rabbit had absolutely everything against him and was resilient enough to survive, what says that I, a child of a loving and caring God, can't make it through these currents of trials and tribulations? I have a place to live with incredible people, a family that will support me and friends that will help me in whatever way possible. God will provide, I need to trust in Him and his timing and find His glory in these trials and tribulations. God will protect me from the winter, the flooding and the hawks that are lurking over my head.